


The Forgotten Book

by Snakeofthe80s



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Drama, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Friendship/Love, Mental Health Issues, Regret, Snily, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snakeofthe80s/pseuds/Snakeofthe80s
Summary: It's a cold night in November when Lily goes to retrieve her book from a tower. Who knew a simple forgotten book would change her life forever? Warning: Discusses suicide
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 54
Kudos: 153





	1. For Whom the Bell Tolls

**Author's Note:**

> I posted on FF originally, but wanted a second location for this work.

"What're you doing?" Lily's sharp-toned and anxious voice spoke from behind Severus at the top of the Grand Staircase Tower, the most prominent and tallest tower in the school. "You'll fall-are you mad?"

Nothing about this felt right. Why was Severus up here at almost midnight? She wasn't even supposed to be out, but she needed the book to do her homework tomorrow. She was so shocked to see someone, she almost recoiled back down the stairs, but upon recognizing that greasy hair as Severus, she had come on up. He was looking over the ledge and shaking while sobs racked from his body. It was not like Severus and at that very moment, a horrible feeling came over her.

Severus gripped the brass ledge. Lily. Her voice was recognizable to him, but did not dare turn her direction, too proud to let her see his face. Of all the people who could have found him, why her? But he was not going to let her stop him. She did not care about him, not really.

"Severus? What're you doing up here at this hour?" A quiver formed at her words, a surprising edge of unease on her lips.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I left my book. Professor Markham took us up here for art lessons."

Though he could not see her, he could feel an icy stare at his back. "So you got your book and now you can go."

Lily said nothing and he did not hear a single footstep.

"I said go." He was not going to have an audience.

Lily refused to move. Something screamed inside of her to stay.

"Why are you just standing there like an idiot?"

Lily nearly scoffed. "Aren't you coming down? It's nearly midnight."

"No." Severus clutched the rail, ready for when she was down far enough to not hear him.

Lily stepped forward and saw a slip of paper lying on the table under a rock. Pulling out her wand slowly, she released the paper. 

_'You can send a note to my father, telling him what I did. Not that he'll care. I'm just a screw-up. I have no real purpose, no need to be here, to live anymore. I'm sick of being bullied and forgotten and I'm sick of all of it, of everything. I did the world and especially our world a favour by ending the existence of myself. I just want it to all be over. The pain, all the pain. No one could or can help. The only real friendship I ever had I already ruined. I ruined my chances of being somebody because they discovered I loved a muggleborn. Do tell Lily Evans I truly am sorry for what I said. I know that I must have hurt her and I wanted to lash out at someone. I was never mad at her. How could you stay mad at someone you love? Just tell her, tell Lily that I know sorry isn't enough, but I really and truly am sorry for what I said that day to her and I'd give anything to take it back. It cost our friendship and I hope she accepts my apology. Thanks for helping me learn about magic the past six years. I've had some nice times, but most were not so great.'  
_

_Severus Snape, Sixth Year Slytherin November 29, 1976_

Severus caught her too late. "Don't read that!" He bellowed.

Lily glanced back up at him, her eyes the size of galleons, horror-stricken. "Sev-you-you're going to-" Her heart gave a strong jolt. She glanced around fiercely and tried to think fast of how to stop him. She had to stop him.

"So what? Leave the note. You know everything now so go back and leave me be!" He snapped, but tried to keep his voice down so no one else might be alerted.

"No."

Still refusing to look at her, he just gripped the rail so hard that it dug into his palms. "Just go!" He snapped again.

"No. Get down from there. Please?"

He could hear her voice trembling, but shook his head. "Don't tell me what to do! Don't even act like you give a shit about me!"

Lily nearly stumbled over her own feet. She clenched her fists, but stopped herself short of a harsh response. "Please? Come on, let's just talk okay. You and me-alone-however long you want, just please, don't jump. Don't do this." Her throat clenched. "Please."

"Just let me go and get on with your life."

"I can't do that." She squeaked out. "I'll stay up with you-all night if you want to talk that long or-or just sit here with me. Just please, don't do this."

Severus shook his head, but had to admit that he was a bit shocked that she was even suggesting talking to him or staying with him. They weren't friends anymore. She did not care. No one did, not about him. "I'm worthless. I don't have a purpose and I'm sick of it-of everything. Everyone will be happier and better off I just left this world for good."

"That's not true!" Lily snapped, not keeping her voice down. She knew if she was caught out of bed, she'd be in big trouble, but right now detention was not a thought on her mind. Who cared about a few days scrubbing trophies or cauldrons when Severus's life was almost literally hanging by a thread? Nothing seemed important right now, not even her early class tomorrow or lack of sleep.

"It is."

"It's NOT!" She was almost yelling and tears started to pool her eyes. "Just come here. We'll go-do whatever you want-talk to someone-a professor-"

"I don't want to talk to a professor!" He grumbled, still maintaining a whispered voice.

"Then talk to me."

He nearly jumped as her hand firmly gripped just below his elbow.

"Please, just come with me." She now had a glimpse of his face. It was worn and his eyes blood-shot and red-rimmed as if he had hardly slept for days. They were also puffy and his face splotchy. His cheeks were stained with tears. His whole body was trembling and his skin was like ice. He was also strangely wearing muggle clothing instead of his robes. His gray short-sleeve shirt was not warm enough for such a frigid night and it baffled her as to why he would wear that.

Severus jerked away from her and backed off from the ledge. "Why are you doing this?"

"You're trying to end your life!"

"So what? No one here or at home gives a fuck about me! Don't pretend like you care either!"

Lily shook her head. "Sev-I never-I never didn't care. Of course I care."

He turned on her, his eyes shooting daggers her direction. "Oh really? You cut me off-you didn't care what happened to me."

"I did so! I just couldn't stop-couldn't stay friends when we were going in such different directions. You wanted them-you chose them. I couldn't follow-couldn't stay with you-not when you wanted them-called me that word. Don't pretend you didn't think it-that I was that!"

"I don't. I took out my anger on you." He pulled out his wand. "No, just go. I don't want you to watch-to see me dead."

Lily took a step toward him and caught him by surprise when she lunged forward and tackled him to the ground. Pulling his wand in did not stop her from fighting it out his hands and he was amazed at her strength.

"Get off!" He yelled out.

Lily was breathing heavy as she fought with determination to get the wand from his hands. "I won't let you do it!"

"If you truly cared about me, you would let me go."

Lily dug her fingernails into his hands in the tussle and he cringed giving her just enough of a chance to snatch his wand. He clung to the end of it, desperate to not let her have his weapon.

"No," she tried to catch her breath. "No, if I didn't care-I'd let you do it, but I do and I won't let you!"

"Let me have my wand!"

Lily pinned him down. "No! You aren't-I won't let you turn it on yourself!" As she tried to push the wand away from him, her right hand slipped and her fingernails scratched his lower arm. He grimaced and she took her chance and yanked the wand from his grip. She scurried to her feet, catching her breath.

He laid there on the dirty concrete floor that was caked with dried dirt. A feeling of being overpowered came over him for a moment. He tried to formulate a plan to get his wand back, but came up empty. He slowly got to his feet. "Just let me do this." His voice claimed defeat.

That was when he got a good look at her. Tears were streaming down her face and she was fighting back sobs. He had not seen her look so anxious and distraught in a long time.

"I can't-I can't let you do it." She squeaked out, horror still plaguing her eyes.

"Why do you care?"

"Because I do. I can't let you end your life. We're sixteen. You're not even of age…you can't die yet."

Severus was a bit surprised she had not addressed what he had said in the letter and mocked him for liking her like that. She had not said one word and it almost irritated him. He knew she knew that he was speaking of her. He wanted her to hate him, to leave him alone and let him end it all. It would make it so much easier if she hated him. No one had given one thought to him since summer and he did not want her to start caring now.

"We're not friends-you don't care-leave me be."

Lily shook her head. "Stay here. Stay with me. Let's go down and just talk to me. Only me. We don't have to talk to a professor or anyone else. I won't tell anyone…not one soul anything you tell me in private. On my honour, I swear to you. Just-just come down with me. Don't end your life."

Severus folded his arms across his chest and scowled. "I don't have anything to live for."

"What about your future?"

"I don't have one."

"Sure you do. You're brilliant-intelligent as they come. You're amazing at so much, know so much."

Severus glared at her. "That doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. You can do anything."

"No, it doesn't!" He was not keeping quiet anymore. "It doesn't matter. Don't you get it? You don't know anything-"

Her eyes narrowed on him. "I know plenty!"

"You don't know how it works. Being smart isn't enough! You have to know people-have to be in the right house or right family to get jobs and have a life. I'll never have any of that! The whole damn school hates me! No one gives a rat's ass about what happens to me!"

"I don't hate you. I never hated you."

Severus scoffed. "Oh really? What do you call that night after I called you that word? You hated me!"

"I did not hate you, Sev. Was I mad? Yes. Did I hate you? No. I forgave you. I'm over it, but we did not need to stay friends. We had grown too far apart."

"If you forgave me, then why didn't you tell me?" His eyes were almost slits.

"I didn't think you'd care anymore. You seemed so adamant to join them-join the Death Eaters that I didn't-I just-we'd grown too far apart. I didn't think we could be friends again even if we did forgive that incident." She looked at him. 

He was brilliant and ambitious and quite resilient normally, but he was also ruthless and insecure and selfish. She wondered where that ambition and resilience had gone though. Right now he had none of the determination or will she used to remember. What had happened?

"I would have cared." He spoke softly.

Lily looked at the cold ground. "You must be freezing."

He glared curiously at her. "I'm fine." His arms were filled with bumps from the frigid air beating his bare arms raw.

"Come down with me."

"Why? So I can be a failure?"

"You're not a failure."

Severus fought a battle in his mind, wanting to go with her and wanting to be left to die alone. "If anyone sees that note now-"

Lily took the note out of her robe pocket and put her wand on it, almost wanting to laugh that he was worried about a little note when he had been planning to end his own life. She spoke something he could not make out and then the letter blew into smithereens, sprinkled in the air and vanished before they hit the ground. "Now, no one will ever see the note." She grinned and put out her hand. "Just between you and me. No one will ever have to know what happened tonight either."

He saw her hand beckoning him and he was shocked. Severus gave a fleeting look over to the tower's ledge. Finally he took her hand. She gripped it with a twitch at the corner of her mouth, almost as if she was going to smile for a second. Who knew a simple forgotten book could change so much?


	2. Witching Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Lily convinces him to come down from the tower, the truth and reality slowly begin to emerge.

His hand was like ice as his fingertips touched the palm of her hand. She wondered just how long he had been up here. On a night as cold as tonight, he wouldn't have had to be up here long to develop hypothermia or worse. If he had not jumped and stayed up there in that shirt, he might have frozen to death instead. Maybe that was part of his goal, to freeze to death if jumping did not work.

Her hands were not much warmer, but she clasped her hand over his in an attempt to warm them up a little. She gave his hand a light squeeze. His face twitched as a light from another tower produced a soft glow over his face. It seemed out of place on him tonight. There was not an ounce of radiance from his glum expression and it was painful for her to see. Deep down in her gut she ached for him and whatever had brought him to such a final, horrible decision.

Lily motioned her head towards the stairs. Severus hesitated, but after a moment and seeing Lily bit her lip, he followed her down the steps, letting go of her hand. Without the moonlight in the stairwell, Lily's lumos was the only way they could not trip over their own feet on the way down.

As he walked behind her, part of him still wanted to snatch the wand from her pocket, race up the stairs and jump over that ledge. Another part of him, a greater part, wanted to follow her, so he kept walking behind her. Lily stopped to listen every other step and he was not sure why until he noticed she was constantly glancing over her shoulder at him. While he wanted to be angry that she suddenly seemed to worry about his well-being, another part of him wanted to jump for joy that she did care, proving she was the only one still who truly did. Still, she had stopped him and he wanted to be angry about that. He could not be angry with Lily though.

After several minutes they reached a door. Lily cracked it open, the metal door squeaking as she did. With a glance around, she nodded and waved him over. He sighed and walked through it.

"Where are we?" He finally whispered as she walked.

"Somewhere safe." She was not sure if she was going the right direction for her dorms. She was definitely not taking him in the Gryffindor dorms, but she wanted to go that way to find a private spot and there were plenty of rooms that would be empty. "We need somewhere safe to stay-to talk. You need somewhere safe to sleep."

"I don't need sleep."

Lily shook her head. "You haven't slept in days."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"

"I know everything," she smirked. "Besides, your eyes are bloodshot from lack of rest. We'll find somewhere-safe?" She flashed her light toward a room. "There it is."

"The study room?"

Lily nodded. "It's quiet, secluded and away from everything."

"Shut that light out. I'm trying to sleep." A portrait shouted.

"Sorry." Lily whispered and moved her wand away from the portraits.

As Lily opened the door, Severus groaned to himself. Why did she think this was a good idea? Why did he even listen to her? Why was she suddenly so invested in his well-being now?"

"Let's stay here tonight."

Severus shook his head. "No."

"Why not? There's couches and a warm fire. It's nice and quiet and safe." She went in and glanced around. There was a soft pallid couch, some comfy looking rosy, floral chairs, and a fireplace by the couch with a fire that was near its death.

Severus moaned and entered. "Lily, let's get out-we'll get in trouble."

She took a seat on the couch and patted the spot beside of her. "Like you really care about that when you were sneaking out after hours to end your own life. Besides, that's the last thing I'm worried about."

"I don't want to talk."

"Then we don't have to talk. Just sit down with me."

Could he resist such a temptation as to sit next to Lily? As much as he wanted to sit next to her, to be near her again, his pride won over. She titled her head slightly, eyebrows raised curiously.

"Sev, just sit on the couch."

Before the mudblood incident, they could sit and talk and were fine with that, but now that he had calmed down a little from the day, he suddenly wanted to run from her presence. She knew that he liked her and now he did not have death to reprieve him if word got out. Dead people can't be embarrassed after all.

"I'm fine standing." As he said this, he wasn't sure if that were true. His eyelids were heavy, though the very thought of sleep was abhorrent. Even if he could lie down, slumber was unlikely in his state of mind. The insomnia that had plagued him over the past few weeks in addition to the complete mistrust of forty winks unguarded were catching up with him.

Lily stood up. "You sit and I'll stand."

"I'm fine." He mumbled.

She huffed. "Just sit already."

After a deep glare at one another, Severus finally relented. He sat on the couch and Lily sat in one of the chairs across from the couch.

Lily's empty stomach churned in horror as the realization sunk in as to what had happened over the past fifteen or so minutes. Would he have jumped over that ledge had she not shown up when she did? Or would he have somehow talked himself out of it? That seemed unlikely. This was Severus after all. What if she had shown up just a few minutes later? Would she have been too late? What if she had watched him jump? What if she had not forgotten that art book? She had been in a hurry when the professor had kept them over and in her rush, she left that book in the corner where she had worked. It wasn't until after hours that she realized it was gone. Having not wanted to get caught out of bed, she had waited until nearly midnight to sneak out, not knowing when she would find the time later in the day to retrieve the book.

Upon leaving the dorm, she had figured she would only face ghosts, maybe Peeves, fussy portraits and at the worst she would find herself caught by a professor or Filch. She certainly never expected to find another student and definitely not Severus.

Severus. What on earth would possess him to even consider jumping off that ledge to his death? As her mind pondered the reasons, she turned to what she remembered over the past few months. She had hardly seen Severus over summer. Only in passing in town a couple times. Since school had started, she had not spoken to him once. She stayed with her other friends. She assumed he had stayed with his Slytherin friends, but now that she thought about it, he did not sit with Mulciber or Avery or any of the others he used to sit near.  


When she really thought about the past two and a half months, she recalled Severus sitting alone at meals and classes and in the halls when she passed him, he was always by himself and sullen. Once she had remembered seeing him as he walked across the bridge. It was easy to remember that day. It was a few days before Halloween and the air had been chilly with a light drizzle. He had been alone as he walked with a very slow pace, not in a hurry to go anywhere. His forlorn expression had caught her eye with a jab at her heart. For a brief moment, she had stopped. For a brief moment she has considered saying something to him. Something about him just didn't seem right and it had bothered her. Despite what had happened between them, none of it mattered for that moment because he looked like he needed someone. She never got the chance to say anything as her friends had pulled her attention away for a moment. When she looked back, Severus was gone in the crowd of people. She had brushed off ideas that he might be in trouble.

"Why?" That was all Lily could think to say.

Severus heard her, but ignored her for a moment as he lay on the couch. "Does it matter?"

"Yes. It matters. What were you thinking? What compelled you-I mean, why consider doing that?"

"I don't have a reason."

"No one considers ending their own life at sixteen without a reason!" Lily snapped.

Severus scoffed. "I was born. There's a reason. It's not like anyone would miss me."

Lily shook her head. "That's not true."

Severus glared up at her. "Of course it is. Name one person who would have given a shit if I fell off the face of the earth right now. I wouldn't even have a funeral. They'd just toss me in a cheap box in the ground."

Lily grimaced, the thought horrifying. "Me."

"You wouldn't have given a shit. Don't even pretend!" He snapped and wrapped the throw over the couch around his body.

"I would have given plenty of shit about you."

"We're not friends." He turned away from her. "You made that clear a few months ago."

"Doesn't matter. I would've been horrified if you died." She sighed to herself. "Why wouldn't I try to stop you?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "To make yourself look like a saint. Brave Gryffindor stops Slytherin from killing himself, though we all know no one would have given a crap if he had succeeded."

"Really? That so?" Her expression was cold and her tone sharp. It was silent a moment while she calmed herself before saying something she'd regret. "You're wrong about me, but I want you to stop putting this on me and tell me why you did this. You're stalling. I want the truth."

"I told you."

"Be that way then." She paused for a brief moment. "What happened between you and the others? You wanted to be like them, join You-Know-Who just before school ended last year. What happened?"

Severus let out a scoff and looked at the armrest of the couch. "I changed my mind."

"You said it had to do with them finding out you-that you liked someone." Lily's cheeks become rosy as she debated how to approach this subject with him. The last thing she wanted was to embarrass him, but she had to get to the truth. "A muggleborn. Did they know?"

Severus grumbled. "Doesn't matter-don't care about `em."

"But that was a problem. They stopped caring about you."

"They never cared about me!" He snapped.

"I know." She answered softly after a moment and pushed her shoes against the red desert sand shag rug as she gathered her thoughts. "But I do...and I mean that." 

Severus clinched his fists and all his blood rushed to his head. His stomach bubbled with fury and he turned to her. "You want to know why? Is that it? You want to try and understand me?"

Lily glanced up quickly with eyes round like coins. "Yes-"

"Well, you never well! You and your-your precious little friends will never-you'll never get it-you'll never understand! Clueless-privileged-thick-headed-privileged know-it-alls who know nothing-nothing at all about life! Treated like royalty! Get away with everything!"

Lily did not dare mention he said privileged twice. She said nothing at all.

"Maybe I'm sick of it! Maybe I'm just sick of it-sick of it all-of-of being treated like a piece of shit! I get it from home! I get it from school! There's no damn place I can go-nowhere-nothing-I'm NOTHING!" His breathing was so heavy he sounded like a bull when he breathed out. "This WHOLE DAMN SCHOOL IS WORTHLESS! NO ONE GAVE A SHIT THAT BLACK TRIED TO KILL ME! NO ONE GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THEY'VE DONE TO ME EVER!" He shut his eyes, catching his breath on his dry throat. "Not one teacher cares how hard I work-HOW HARD I TRY! I'm NOTHING! Just another worthless git to them!"

A rocket had been set off in him all of the sudden. "THEY THINK I'LL NEVER BE ANY DAMN THING! AND THEY'RE RIGHT! I NEVER WILL BE ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY WON'T ALLOW IT! ME-THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT ME! DON'T ME TO WORK FOR THEM! I'M A HALF-BLOOD WITHOUT ANY TIES! AN EVIL SLYTHERIN! THEY'RE RIGHT-I'LL NEVER BE ANYTHING AT ALL! SO I WANT IT TO END-JUST TO GO AWAY! NO FAMILY-NO FRIENDS-NO ONE-NOTHING AT ALL! JUST SICK AND TIRED OF IT!" Severus choked, the fire in his stomach burned hotter while his heart gripped with emotion.

"I just want to be gone. It'll be the best for everyone if I just-if I was gone for good. There, happy? That's why I did it. There's my pathetic reason. Go tell everyone and they continue to make my life a living hell. They've been doing it all along, what's the different now?"

He threw the books off the closest table with great force, sending them flying across the room before he smashed the table that held the books against the wall. It broke into several pieces. Severus ran his hand through his hair and gripped it so tight, he was surprised he didn't end up bald. "What's the difference? TELL ME THE DAMN DIFFERENCE! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL BE MISSED WHEN I'M GONE! DO YOU? DO YOU?" He didn't wait for Lily to answer. "IT'S NOT HAVING A PUNCHING BAG-NOT HAVING SOMEONE TO PLAY THEIR FUCKING JOKES ON! THAT'S WHAT WILL BE MISSED!" He looked out the window at the blurry sky, the fire finally being quenched inside of him by the tightening of his throat and chest. "Just a big joke. That's all I'll ever be."

Lily choked at his words, trying to think of something to say, to calm him down in some way. While shocked he had lost his temper so suddenly and broken furniture, she understood. She got up from her chair after he had smashed the table.

Severus did not hear Lily answer him. In fact, she said nothing and he scoffed to himself. As he turned to the chair where she was seated before he got up, he saw it empty. "Figures. She left. Ignored as usual. Just like everyone else-she's like the others." He thought and looked out the window. Maybe he could open it...

Something touched him in the back gently. He jumped nearly a foot in the air. Before he could see what touched him, a hand was on his back.

"No. You're not a joke, Sev."

He couldn't look at her, couldn't think of what to say. He started to collapse to the ground, the raw emotion finally caught up to him. The next thing he remembered was Lily's arms around him, her own body heat warming his rigid emotion as he broke down. The weight of everything, of years of torment and pain and life bore down on him.

Lily wiped away her own tears that fell at seeing him so dejected. She tugged at him. "Come on, let's move somewhere more comfortable." She sniffed and took out two handkerchiefs.

As Severus got to his feet, he took her handkerchief, hardly able to process anything at the moment as she led him to the couch.

"You're not worthless. You're not at all. Don't let anyone tell you that, Sev. Be the determined person I know you are. Brilliant and witty. I miss that Sev. The one who never let anyone stop him from being a success in life." She gripped his shoulder as she sat beside his curled up body.

"Stay with me." He blurted out in a stifled whisper. "Don't leave."

"Where would I go?" She whispered back. "Don't worry. I won't leave you alone. Just stay with me too. Don't end your life yet. Our world will be lost without your brilliance."

He nodded, though he did not believe her about his brilliance. "Fine. I won't." The last thing he saw was a sleeping portrait of a small elderly man. Lily put the couch's throw to his shoulders and rubbed his arm while she hummed softly. Too afraid to leave him unaccompanied, she curled up beside of Severus.

Severus awoke with Lily's arms still clutched to him. His eyes burned, heavy with yesterday's burden. He never would have been so vulnerable to anyone but Lily. However, he was horrified that he had broken down like he had. He'd spilled so much and she had said little, just listening and trying to comfort him. He had cried in front of her and brought her to tears as a result. It was official: He was determined to humiliate himself to death. The thought of word getting out about what happened yesterday sent him into a near panic. Somehow, with her arms around him, he knew she was not going to say a word to anyone. It certainly would not look good on her either to tell about the night. Throughout the night she had not let go, probably fearing his escape, and spent the night at his side. He knew her friends would be horrified to hear where she had been last night.

A small part of him wanted to escape, but he did not dare move from her embrace. He had longed for it and was not going to pass up the only opportunity to feel her arms around him. Lily stirred beside of him. He watched her sleep, imaging what it would be like if she liked him the way he liked her. The thought of waking up with her at his side every morning came to his thoughts, but he shoved it out quickly. "Like she would ever be with me." He thought. "Just because she cared doesn't mean she loves you like that. She doesn't and won't." His heart tightened. "She's too beautiful to be with someone as hideous as me. She'd never pick me."


	3. Mourning Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is unsure if Severus should be left alone.

When Severus tried to move from under her arm, Lily gripped him and jumped up with such a start that he also jumped in surprise.

"What're you doing?" Lily asked with an edge to her voice as the hair stood up on the back of her neck.

Severus turned his head slightly to glimpse at her face. Her eyes were droopy with dark circles underneath. He wondered if he had surprisingly gotten more rest than she had during the night. "Nothing. I just wanted to use the bathroom. I have to go."

Lily shook her head and glanced around. "What time is it?"

Severus sat up and swung his legs around until his feet hit the floor. He motioned his head toward the clock in the corner. "Almost nine."

Lily nodded, still half-asleep. Severus got up and opened the door.

"I'll be back in a minute. I can take care of myself."

Lily rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"What, you want to watch me answer nature's call?"

"No."

"Then I'll be back in two to three minutes."

He left the room and she moaned. Her body ached from lack of sleep. Every time he had moved in his sleep, she had woken up. He barely moved at all, but a little stir was enough to wake her. Each time she found him still in a deep slumber it was a comfort. She figured he had needed every wink, but she had to admit to herself that it was really awkward to be so close to him. She had never been that close to him physically before. Though it was just a hug, he never was a touchy-feely person and she never really gave him much hugs or anything as a result. Perhaps she should have given him more when they were friends.

He still seemed so unhappy, but she did not know what to do. It wasn't like she could tell someone Severus needed help. Who'd listen to her anyway? Even more than that, who'd even care to help him at all? Not Dumbledore. Not McGonagall or Slughorn or Flitwick or Sprout. None of them, not even the healer, who would probably just send him away to St. Mungo's. If word got out about Severus going away because he was suicidal, his life would be even worse when he got back. No, she couldn't let that happen. She also could not deny he needed help.

She slowly made it to her feet, barely able to move at first. She reached into her pocket and felt her wand. Severus's was still tucked next to hers. She pondered how he had planned on turn his wand on himself. Did the killing curse work when you do it to yourself? Was that even a thing? Maybe she'd subtly ask a professor, though she did not want to make them think she planned on doing that. Perhaps she'd say someone joked about it and while she did not find it funny, she got curious if it was even physically possible to do. No, that didn't sound well, but she needed to know. And he needed help, probably much more help than she could give him.

She smoothed her wrinkled robes and looked at the time again. She gasped and nearly dropped the books she had been fixing on the mended desk.

"It's nine! My class is at nine!" She swore as Severus re-entered the room. "Thank god, you're fine. Listen, stay here. I have to go-class now! Don't worry, you're safe in here." She opened the door. "Oh, and-um, don't try to do anything because you can't. The room won't let you and there are spells on the window. I'll be back in a bit."

She closed the door and raced down the hall toward the tower. As she sprinted up the stairs, she nearly tripped on a vanishing stair in her haste.

There were only a couple students in the common room as she raced to her room, snatched her bag and sprinted back down to her first class. Ten minutes late. She was never late. With unease and a slight twinge of embarrassment, she opened the door to the potions classroom.

Slughorn glanced at her with shock. "Ms. Evans, we were pondering just looking for you."

She feigned a soft grin as her cheeks burned a little. "I'm here." It wasn't until she sat down that she remembered she had not used the bathroom. She'd have to hold it until class was over. Her stomach growled as she got out her book, her tongue and throat parched as a reminder that she had not anything to eat or drink yet.

"So," She asked, still breathing hard from her mad dash. "What're we doing? I mean today-today what are we doing?"

"What happened last night?" Mary asked. "You look awful."

Lily frowned. "Thanks."

"Well, you're a mess. Did you sleep in your robes? And you never came back last night. I was worried when you did not show up for breakfast."

She shrugged. "I fell asleep, sorry. I, um, well-" Get your story straight, Lily. "I went to get my book-like I told you-and heard someone coming and-you know-well-I stayed there and I guess I just-I-fell asleep."

Mary stared sceptically as Lily snatched some jumping beans.

"Three of these. That's what this says."

Mary scrunched up her nose. "You didn't even brush your teeth or your hair. It's a mess. Did you just roll out of bed and come straight here?"

Lily put her hand to her mouth and then to her hair as Mary insulted her appearance. She cleared her throat and took some of the ingredients. "I'm fine. You smash this, right?"

Mary just glared as Lily pressed down on the bean. Lily's skin tingled a little, unable to concentrate with the knowledge that Severus was alone in that room. What if he found a way to end his life while she was gone that she had forgotten about in her tired haze? What if someone attacked him and he was wandless? What if-

"Lily!"

Lily snapped out of it. "Huh, what?"

"You're leaking the juice onto the table. You need that!" Mary grumbled and hurried to scoop up the juice of the bean. "What's wrong with you?"

She narrowed her eyes at Mary. "Nothing's wrong with me. I'm just tired, that's all."

"What'd you do last night?"

"Nothing. I just-I fell asleep in the tower, that's all."

"Alone?" Mary raised an eyebrow.

Lily huffed lightly. "Yes, alone. Who else would I have been with?" She snapped and squished the bean harder than necessary.

"I don't know. Lots of boys like you. Maybe Potter? He's had his eye on you for awhile, hasn't he?" Mary smirked, her eyes knowing.

She sucked in air. "I don't know. I don't care."

Mary rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. You know you like him too and I can't blame you. I mean he's handsome and brilliant and funny and-"

"I don't care, okay. I don't-who cares about Potter right now. Just let it go." Lily snapped harsher than needed, but she just did not have it in her to think about something so trivial right now or argue about it at the moment. There were far more pressing issues at hand than which boy fancied her.

"Okay, fine. Someone's being grumpy today. Not my fault you left that book up in the grand staircase tower."

Lily and Mary said little the rest of the class and finished the potion. Lily took the completed vile to the professor's desk at the end of the lesson.

"Professor?"

Slughorn glanced up at her and smiled. "Problem with the potion?"

"No, no, not at all. I just have a question."

Slughorn put down his book and nodded. "Certainly."

"I know it's a silly one, but I was curious after someone joked about it. Is it-um-is it possible to use the killing curse on yourself?"

Slughorn's eyes grew serious and his grin fell. "Yes, I suppose."

Lily wrung her fingers slightly, pulling them in her unease. "If someone were to, I don't know, think about turning on-turning their wand onto theirself-them-themselves, what would-can you-what should you do about it? Can their wand be taken from them?"

Slughorn was now leaning forward and watching her closely. "I'm not exactly sure. Usually they get taken away to figure out why they want to end their life-to get help." His eyes bore into hers with a mix of concern and seriousness. "Lily, is there-is everything all right?"

Lily was afraid this might happen. "Yes, of course."

"If anything's been going on, you know all professors here can speak with you about it. There's not a need to do something drastic."

She shook her head. "Oh no, don't worry. I'm just fine. I mean, if you're thinking I'm wanting to turn my wand on myself, I promise I'm not. I wouldn't consider it. I'm not suicidal, honest."

Slughorn just stared at her, making her really uncomfortable. The room grew eerily silent, making her squirm a little. "Is someone else considering it?"

Lily just shrugged. "Thanks for your help. See you later." She turned and hurried out of the room, making a stop in the bathroom on her way back to where Severus was. While she didn't bother to shower, she did brush her teeth and comb her hair.

When she entered the room, she did not see Severus. Her body jolted, nearly frozen for a moment as hair stood up on the back of her neck. Throat gripped and breath laboured, she moved forward into the room as her eyes darted around for any sign of life or worse, the possible end of it. "Severus?"

No answer came. In a frantic haste, she hurried through the room, but it was hardly half a minute before she found him. With a sigh of relief, she saw him alive and seated on the floor with his back against the couch as he stared out the window.

"Don't do that to me! Why didn't you answer? I thought something had happened to you."

Severus scoffed. "I'm here, aren't I?" He sniffed lightly.

It was then Lily saw his red-rimmed eyes that seemed so empty, so cold, yet so lonely at the same time. Her relief was shattered at his wet face. She set her books on the table nearby and slumped to the ground beside of him.

He nearly jumped when she put her hand on his shoulder, his body rigid as she rubbed his shoulder very gently.

"Can I-I have my wand back now?"

Lily shook her head. "Nope. I can't trust you with it right now."

"And if I'm attacked, that's better?" He snapped.

"You won't be attacked."

"Oh, yeah? You must not know how others think about me."

Lily sighed. "No, I do." She glanced out the window. "But you're not safer with it at the moment." She sighed through her nose. "I'm going to charms. Are you coming to class?"

Severus shook his head and turned his head away, his elbow against his knee and his hand against the left side of his face.

"You can't hide in here forever."

"I'm not hiding. There's just no point in going."

Lily let out a heavy huff. "You know there's every reason to go. We'll be done soon."

"In another year." He interjected. "And a half. A year and seven months and a couple weeks."

She stretched her legs out. "And we've been here for five years and three months. A year and half doesn't seem so long."

"Seven months is more than a year and a half." He still refused to look at her as he tried to hid his sorrow best he could. He was not going to break down again like last night in front of her. It was obvious he was determined to embarrass himself in front of her. All she had to do was let one thing he'd said or done the past ten hours slip out and his life would go down the proverbial toilet.

Lily saw a branch, barren of leaves tapping the window as a harsh wind pounded against it. She shivered just imagining the brisk air outside. The room however was warm and cosy as a fire crackled on the opposite side of the couch.

"You sure you don't want anything? Don't want to come to class with me?" With slight apprehension, she moved her hand on his back and saw his eyes shift to her arm, but could not place the look in his eyes. Either it was unease or surprise or maybe a bit of both. "We can sit together...if you want...like we used to."

He scoffed. "I'm sure that would go over really well."

"Are you ashamed to sit next to me?" Lily eased her grip on his back.

"No." He half scoffed. "Why would I be ashamed of you? You're the one who'd get all the hostility if we sat together. Your friends would be upset with you for talking to that loser again."

"Who cares about them? I just want you to come to class and finish school to see that-that there's more-beyond here-beyond this silly school. You've made it this far. It's too far to quit now." She slightly rubbed his back. "Don't give up. Why don't you come?"

Severus shook his head. "I think I'll go to the library or something."

Lily did not say anything for a moment. "The library is a good place, but if you even think about-"

"I said I wouldn't, didn't I?" He snapped and put his hand down from his face. "Though it's cruel of you, you know that?"

Lily stopped mid-way of getting to her feet, plopping back onto her knees. "What?"

"I don't want to be here. No one wants me here either. You should've just let me go."

Lily said nothing, in a bit of shock at his response. "No, letting you go through with that would be cruel. Imagine if some first year had found you after you'd jumped. That's cruel. Or if someone had come, even me, and had to watch you jump. That's cruel." Her expression softened. "Not getting the chance to live out your life...that's even more cruel-the cruellest thing you could do to yourself."

Severus scoffed.

"A brilliant mind like your own-our world needs someone like you. Look at the many other dunderheads in this school. What will they do to help this world of ours? Look at the mess-we're in a war. Things are corrupt and times are troubled. Now, more than ever, we need someone like you."

"I'm quite certain you think I'm an idiot."

"I never once said you were an idiot." Lily snapped. "I never thought such a thing. Did I think joining up with wannabe Death Eaters was dumb-yes, yes, I did. But that's the thing that irritated me the most about that decision of yours."

Severus rolled his eyes. "That I'm dumb for it?"

"That you were smarter than that. You could do so much better than them. Be so much more-so much better that I-it was so hard to see it-see you want to just be that. You're one of the most intelligent people in this school and that's what you wanted to be-to do and I just never understood it." She got to her feet.

"Of course not! You don't get what it's like-what my life is like. You couldn't understand it. You're-you're perfect and smart and in the "good" house. You're allowed to be somebody in this world. I'm not. I'm everything they don't want."

"That's not true."

Severus scoffed again.

"Come on." She pleaded. "Come with me."

Severus stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to the library." He opened the door and glanced back at Lily, who was biting her lip. "I'm not going to do anything. Promise."

"You actually promise? Swear on your magic?"

Severus cringed. "Yes." He clinched his teeth. "Swear on my magic that while you are at charms class today I will not harm myself in any way."

Lily's shoulders eased. "Okay." She grabbed her bag and handed him his wand. " Don't make me regret giving this back. You promised. I'm going off to class."

He gave her a tiny grin as he took his wand with a curt nod. "Thanks."

She left the room and took once last glance at him before she headed down the hall.

 _Barely made it,_ she thought to herself as she dropped her bag on the table.

"Well, someone cleaned themselves up." Sirius smirked from the table in front at her.

Lily let out a huff and got out her stuff before taking her seat. "Yeah, so what?"

"Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She ignored him as she took her seat with a flop and ran her hand through her hair. Maybe she shouldn't have come to class today? But he swore on his magic he would not do anything to himself...during this class. He was alone though and being alone makes you more depressed. She wished he'd just come to class.

"What'd you do last night? Drink a little too much?" Sirius leered.

Lily rolled her eyes and stared at him with a heavy frown.

"Nah, I think she was snogging with some guy." Mary stated. "She was out all night. Said she was going to get a book and never came back."

"And it wasn't with me?" James stated, feigning shock.

Lily scoffed. "I wasn't snogging anyone...can you just let it go?"

"Ooh, she was with someone. Straight for a shag?" Sirius laughed and Peter snorted.

"Shut up. No one shagged or snogged anyone-just get over yourself. Just because you suck at everything else in life doesn't mean that's what everyone is doing." She slammed her book down and flipped it open in frustration.

Sirius let out a guffaw. "And how do you know if I'm good at a snog and a shag?"

Lily scoffed with disgust. "Yeah, you're right. You probably suck at that too."

"Oh-ho, someone's having a bad time of the month?"

Lily glared daggers into Sirius. "So what's your excuse for being an arse all the time?"

Sirius laughed with a sneer on his lips. "You'd like us if you spent more time with us."

It was Lily's turn to scoff and sneer. "Or I'd consider killing you."

"You know you'd like James, you two have a lot in common and you ought to consider-"

"Don't," She interjected quickly. "Just don't. I don't need anyone setting me up. I have enough on my mind right now."

"Lily, you're almost 17 and you've never been kissed. You really ought to-"

"So what?" Lily shrugged as she interrupted. "Big fucking deal. I don't give a care about that. Who cares about a kiss? There's more important things to worry about than a stupid kiss."

Mary's eyes became wide as did the others around her who were listening to their conversation. _Nosy busybodies._ She thought to herself. _Why don't they all mind their own damn business?_

"Morning. Open your books to page 154 and we'll start a new, more complicated charm today. Read over the lesson while I take role." Professor Flitwick went over the names. 

"Snape?" He looked around. "No Snape?"

Lily swallowed hard, glancing at his seat.

"Third time he's missed in two weeks. Anyone know anything about Mr. Snape?"

A tall, pudgy boy with eyes like spikes and almost yellow like a cat's sneered. "Yeah, he probably keeps slipping in his own pool of grease and has to fix that broken nose of his he keeps breaking...oh, wait, that's just how his nose looks."

Flushed with anger, she stood up and nearly knocked her chair back in the process. Before she could stop herself, she had removed her wand from her robe pocket as her hands shook with contorted rage. Physically she had reacted ahead of her mind, her thoughts still jumbled and incoherent.

"We do not make fun of other students...Ms. Evans, are you all right?"

Lily snapped out of her thoughts and realized everyone was staring at her. Her cheeks turned cerise as the heat rose into them.

"Is there something you'd like to say?"

The words caught on Lily's tongue a moment before she ignored the snickers around her. "Oh, there's plenty I'd like to say, but I won't because we're in a classroom."

Jeers and chuckles and gasps emitted from the students.

"But I will inform everyone that Mulciber has never done anything with a woman like he claims and those knickers were ones he stole from the drying line."

Part silence and part gasps and a small amount of snickers and jeers came from the others.

"That's all I have to say for now." She took her seat calmly and looked at her book. It took a moment before the shock seemed to wear off enough to get back to the lesson.

"Lily, what're you doing? He's going to kill you." A roommate of hers whispered from the table behind her.

"Let him try. He's too stupid to manage such a feat."

"You remember what he did to Mary, don't you?"

"Yes, and he's creepy and disturbed, but he did not have a right to speak that way."

"But why are you defending Severus?"

"Okay, everyone, quiet-quiet! Back to reading." Flitwick put his hands down and took a seat. Lily ignored her roommate. 

The hour long class seemed to take much, much longer. The second hand on her watch gave the impression of being broken at the pace it appeared to move to her. It didn't help that many people glanced at her with suspicion and some of the Slytherins glared at her with contempt throughout the class.

Once the class ended, she hurried out of the room, ignoring some of her friends calling after her about lunch. As her stomach rumbled, she was reminded that she had only had a bite of toast. Still, her stomach could wait. Finding Severus and making sure he was okay was her only goal.


	4. Hard Knocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus struggles to battle his depression and Lily is finding it hard to keep his secret.

Severus watched Lily run down the hall. Her bag bounced as she hurried and continually hit her hip over and over and he cringed as his heart raced faster. Shapely, she had a lovely shape to her and as he watched the curvature of body, a very tiny grin formed at his lips. It took all of a second for him to lose that grin however. "Worthless, you're worthless and you know she'll never have anything to do with you that way in her life. Don't think about her like that-just forget about her completely. Anyone is better than you…well, almost anyone would be better."

He slowly closed the door to the study and stared down the desolate hallway. Overwhelmed suddenly, his throat gripped and he put his hands deep in his empty pockets and walked down the hall while he gazed down at the wooded floor. Whispers emitted from the portraits nearby and a soft wolf whistle caught his attention away from the despondent hollow pang inside.

"Someone's smitten over a beautiful young lass." The man in 1600s fighting robe gear winked his direction.

"I told you, John, mind your tongue. Leave the lads and lasses to their crushes and teenage fantasies." A woman in fancy Victorian robes stated.

"She's too pretty for a drab thing like him." Another woman in Victorian robes stated. She had a nose scrunched up like a pig and gave an uppity stare upon her eyes. "What do you expect though…they all taint the blood. Half-breed, he is. I can tell. Why he looks so filthy, muggles are filth."

"Don't you speak like that!" The first woman snapped. "You know as well as I do that if it wasn't for witches and wizards mating with the muggles, there'd be hardly a pint of us left to keep going. He may not be the cleanest looking lad, but he appears very bright."

"You don't know if he's a bright child or not. You're making assumptions. What I do know is that he doesn't stand a chance with a pretty young lass like that. Finding someone you stand a chance with, no one."

"Don't listen to her. You stand just as good a chance as any."

"Don't be naïve, Genevieve, that pretty gal has got to have some handsome young lads pinning for her. If she's smart, she'll pick someone at her level and not beneath it."

"Don't you speak like that, Miriam, if our mother were here…"

Severus scoffed at the bickering portraits. "Don't worry, she's right. I don't stand a chance with her." He walked on as his sneakers echoed softly down the empty hall, voices of the portraits echoing back.

"Now look what you've done. Can't you see he's already in a sad mood. You just made it worse."

"The truth hurts."

Severus walked on, ignoring the continuous balking from the portraits along the way. The emptiness of the halls pained his chest and stomach, a sick ache held deep within himself he did not quite understand.

****

**0o0o0o**

"I'm going to go up to my room. Why don't you take a shower and wash up? Showers make me feel better." Lily tried to grin, but it just wasn't possible at the moment.

Severus nodded. "Fine."

She patted him between the shoulder blades. "Okay. You shower and I'll get some clean clothes and we'll meet back at the study room in thirty minutes?"

Lily watched him nod again and then head down the hall with his hands in his pockets.

"30 minutes."

"Yes, I mean that. 30 minutes or I'll come looking for you." Lily thought she saw a slight grin form at the corner of Severus's lips, but maybe she just hoped for one.

As she went through the portrait, she found herself barely an inch from the seventh year head boy. He frowned at her.

"Sorry." Lily mumbled.

"Been out, have you?"

Lily rose as eyebrow as she backed up a little. "Not really."

"Plan on going back out?"

Lily's throat went dry. "Yes. Why's it your concern?"

"It is when you're wanted and no one can find you."

Lily pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes slightly. "And who would be looking for me?"

"The head, that's who."

It was only then that Lily noticed the silence in the room and peered around the head boy's arm where she was eye level at his elbow to find the residents in the common room all staring. Lily frowned at them and some of the young residents quickly turned once noticed.

A few oohs and uh-ohs came from those around her year.

"Why?"

"I don't know why. She asked us to seek you and bring you to her as soon as we found you. But you showed up as I headed out. Now go and speak with her. I believe she's in her office."

Ignoring the taunts, she turned on her heel and headed back out with a swift nod to seek McGonagall. With her shoes echoing across the mostly empty halls she dashed to the ground floor. "Thirty minutes…thirty minutes…I have to be back in thirty minutes." She mumbled in haste with rigid breaths.

A group of second years passed by as they got out of transfiguration and she hurried on toward the office as she navigated her way around the students. Something warm and solid hit her arm, shoved her slightly and made her stumble back a step.

"Oh, so sorry…Lily, we were just looking for you."

Lily glanced up to see Slughorn staring down at her. "You were? Oh, well-I-McGonagall first-I said I'd come see her. She was looking for me."

She started past him.

"Lily, wait, that's what I'm saying."

She stopped and turned back to him. "What?"

"We're both looking for you." He gestured his head to the right. "Come along."

Lily's throat went dry and she cleared her throat before taking a step toward him. They entered the office and McGonagall glanced up.

"Afternoon, Ms. Evans. Sit down."

Lily hesitated a moment and slowly took her seat. "Is there a problem, Professor?"

"Well, we think there might be one." She shut a book and pushed it to the side. "Professor Slughorn informed me of a conversation you had with him this morning."

Lily cocked her head slightly and nearly bit her tongue. "Oh, that. I promise I'm not-If you think I'm going to harm myself-I'm not, honest. I'm fine. I swear to you on my magic I'm not suicidal. I'm not depressed at all."

"We wondered if you might be, but after talking, we think you were concerned about someone else who might be in trouble."

Lily said nothing, her jaw set, eyes flinched with slight emotion and body stoic.

"Is someone you know considering terminating their life? If so, this is a very serious situation we need to know about." Slughorn stated with a frown.

"Lily? We can't help unless we know who it is. We're here to help the students of this school. That includes counselling if necessary."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "No one-no teacher would care enough about him to bother, trust me. They never have. They don't even notice him."

"Him?"

"Yes, him." She rubbed her dry throat for a second as she took a moment to look away from the intense gazes on her professors' faces.

McGonagall sat erect as her eyes bore unmoving into Lily's. "Is he in your year-is he a sixth year student as well?"

"He might be." She drawled out.

"Is he in your house?"

Lily shook her head as she got to her feet. "I have to go. Another class soon, but thanks."

"We'll send a note." Slughorn motioned to the seat, but she stood unflinching.

"Why do you think we would not care enough to bother to help, Ms. Evans?" McGonagall's eyes had softened at the edge.

Lily let out a mild huff through her nose, fire lit behind her eyes. "Because they never have. I showed up late today and-and Professor Slughorn says he was about to have someone look for me!" She cleared her throat at the realization that her voice had raised.

"What does that have to do with-"

"You didn't seem to care to do the same for him, did you?" Lily interrupted. "You didn't even notice-didn't care-he's right about that, but he's wrong that being forgotten by the adults and peers here means he's nothing." She turned for the door. "I don't wish to be late for my next class."

She opened the door and tore down the hallway. Slughorn and McGonagall called after her, but she was late. Thirty minutes had come and gone. Severus was who she had to seek and she needed to find him now.

Lily swerved around the last corner and hit something hard, stumbled back and nearly tripped over her own feet in the process. As she glanced up, she saw the dark blue eyes like the depths of dark sea where hardly anything chose to reside. Limp blonde hair jagged around pale ears opened to a smirk that caused her to swallow hard.

"Well, look who it is. The filthy mudblood who forgot her place in our world."

Lily scoffed. "You're just mad because I've outranked you in all the classes from day one. Being a pureblood clearly didn't help you in anything." She attempted to walk past them when one short, stocky boy grabbed her arm suddenly.

"Hey…you don't dare speak that way to your superiors."

"Ha! You aren't my superior, never have been, never will be, now let go of me." She gritted her teeth.

"What's going on..."Someone's voice boomed down the hallway, "Remove your arm from her Mr. Wilkes. You know better than to treat a young woman like that."

The boy removed his grip from her arm and she hurriedly yanked it away and backed up towards the wall.

"Ms. Evans, you alright?" Slughorn asked as he moved at a quick pace her direction.

Oh, great. She thought. "I'm fine, Professor. I'm in a hurry. I have another class and I need to check on a friend, so I may be late to Ancient Runes."

"Lily…"

"Tell the professor if you see her that I had an emergency, a sick friend, so I'll be there quickly."

"Lily…this friend, the one who's having some problems…"

"I'm fine, honest."

Slughorn raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say you. Your friend, is he in his dorm right now?"

"No, but he's fine." She looked down the hallway as a couple girls chattered away headed toward them. "I hope." She mumbled.

"Take us to him. If he's having thoughts of ending his life, we must speak with him."

Lily said nothing for a moment and stared at a portrait of a soldier riding a horse. She twisted her fingers in her hands and she bit her lip as her mind swirled with too many thoughts for her Sixteen-year-old brain.

"Lily, do you know where Mr. Snape is at this moment?" McGonagall spoke from behind Slughorn, which caused Lily to gasp and jump with fright.

She choked. Did she say…she did, but how did she figure that out. "What?"

"Mr. Snape, dear. Do you know where he is?"

"Why do you want to see him?"

"He's the one who's having problems, isn't he?"

"No, no, don't-he-he wouldn't want-I said I wouldn't-I didn't-don't even act like you care!" Her eyes flashed. "Professor Slughorn didn't even realize he was gone."

Slughorn shook his head. "No, we did notice. He had been claiming he had some sickness. It was already made aware and we were suspicious."

"But you said you'd go looking for me…"

"Because we heard you went out last night and never showed back up in your dorm or breakfast and no one had seen you. It concerned me this morning. Mr. Snape said he was sick and not coming. But he's been claiming to be ill quite a bit, and not doing his work. The sudden change this term has bothered us, all of us professors. He's not been showing up to any of his classes lately."

Lily nodded. "I had noticed, but thought he just-had other plans." She choked hard. Dammit, she hadn't paid attention either. She'd been a jerk if she hadn't noticed really, but with so many others in the class it was hard to keep track. Still, she had noticed his sadness and missing a lot of classes. She had never bothered to just go talk to him though, her pride getting in the way before last night. Her heart lunged down into her stomach with a thud. She was a horrible friend, even if they weren't friends at that point, she still had been and she knew something was wrong. She knew something was different about him and she knew she needed to talk to him, but didn't. It was her fault too.

"Let us speak with him." McGonagall stated, which broke her thoughts.

"He won't let you talk to him. He-he hardly wanted to talk to me even, but I'm an old friend, so…he finally did-talk to me that is. He won't-not to you."

"We're willing to try and find out what's going on."

"Lily, I hate to do this, but if you do not take us to him, I'm afraid you'll be put in detention and stalling longer will cause you to lose house points."

Lily's eyes got wide. "W-what? That's not fair. You can't make it worse for him-if he knows you know-he'll think I told on him."

"You didn't." Slughorn cleared his throat. "Tell Mr. Snape that I wish to see him in my office in ten minutes. If he doesn't show, we'll have to track him down, won't we?"

"And he'll receive detention…with Filch."

Lily swallowed hard and the dryness of her throat burned. "What?"

"Have you seen him today?"

"Severus?"

"Yes."

Lily paused a moment as she shifted her eyes down the hallway again, which was empty this time, before turning back to them and giving a nod. "Yes, I've seen him."

"Do you know where he is now?"

Lily bit her lower lip for a second before nodding. "I think so, yes."

"Can you find him and tell him I wish to see him?"

She nodded. "I will…but he won't be happy about this at all." The hall seems desolate as she headed back to the study despite the few others talking all about her. Her shoes seemed to vibrate off the walls, even though the others voices would drown that out. Heavy, her heart sank toward her stomach as she took short strides closer and closer to the room. Longer strides made her legs feel like lead was filling them in anguish anticipation of finding him alive. She reached the study where she had left him alone for far longer than she had intended to leave him to himself and his thoughts.

****

**0o0o0o**

Severus stepped out into the brisk air. Dark clouds held steady overhead, threatening to break any moment, but he continued down the steps to the lake. Still slick from the overnight rain and lack of sun or warmth to dry it up his foot slid forward and he lost his balance. His leg scraped the stairs as it hit the concrete and the rough ground scraped his hands as he attempted to break his fall. His tailbone hit the edge of the step, which sent a throbbing pain up his back and across the bone.

"Stupid stairs." He grumbled to himself as he picked himself back up. He brushed the mud off his hands onto his trousers, which stung his palms. "At least physical pain isn't unbearable. It'll go away without any trouble. It's everything else that sucks."

The lake was quiet. Not even the squid dared to come up from his warm cave to brace the coming rain. He bent down and scooped up some rocks. One by one he skipped them across the lake. Each time he skipped a rock, he threw the next one harder and harder until one skipped half way across the lake. He kicked at the ground with the tip of his shoe. Rocks flailed into the air and tumbled down into the water. Severus flopped himself onto the damp rocks. He let out a heavy sigh as chilly air hit his bare face with great force, but he did not baulk or move at all. Instead, he just stared across the lake, unflinching.

****

**0o0o0o**

Lily opened the door to the study. "Severus?" It was silent. The window was untouched and everything seemed in place. She peered around the couch. Nothing. "Maybe he's still in the bathroom?" she pondered. 

With one last glance around the room, she hurried down the hall to the closest boys' bathroom. She knocked on the door. "Severus? Are you in there?"

Silence

With a deep breath, she opened the door. "Is anyone in here?"

Silence

She quietly entered and gripped the pocket where her wand was located before peering around. No one was at the urinals and all the stalls were open and visibly empty. No noise came from the shower stalls, but she made her way over anyway. "Sev?" She whispered.

One by one she opened the stalls and shut her eyes expecting him to yell at her and if he was behind a stall and was naked she did not want to embarrass him. Upon finding the last stall empty her heart sank into her stomach. Her throat tightened and made her breath laboured before she tore out of the bathroom with her heart beating in her ears. 

"Severus!"


	5. Troubled Waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily finds Severus by the lake while Severus continues to fight his depression.

"Lily! Lily!"

Lily stopped in her tracks in the middle of the hallway and turned to the voice that had shouted at her.

"What's the hurry? Potter's the other direction." Sirius smirked with a wink at her.

She rolled her eyes with a huff. "I don't have time for this right now. Have you seen Severus?"

Sirius scoffed and glanced at her with an almost shocked, yet disgusted expression. "No. I thought you dropped that scumbag. No one cares about him, why should you?"  
Lily bit her tongue hard to stop the venomous words at the tip from coming out. "That's not very nice, Sneerius-Sirius."

"Did you just call me what I think you called me?" Sirius's eyes were wide, yet a grin pierced his lips for a moment before glancing over her.

"I need to find Severus. If you haven't seen him, you are of no help."

"Why are looking for Snivellus? He was a jerk to you-you can't seriously be talking to him again?"

She grumbled to herself. "Professor Slughorn wants to see him."

"Why would Slughorn ask you to find him?"

Lily pierced her lips for a second to think over an answer. "He just did, and I said I would-I don't have time for idle chat. I have things to do."

"He ought to know you haven't spoken for a while, right?" He frowned. "Or have you forgiven the bastard?" Sirius scoffed. "Don't tell me you've forgiven the arse after what he called you?"

"I don't have time to listen to this right now. I have to find him."

"Why? I doubt Ol' Slughorn needs him right this second. You're gonna miss your class soon."

As Lily turned, she was stopped by a fellow classmate. "You're looking for Severus?"

"Yes, have you seen him?"

The girl shrugged. "I thought I saw him headed to the entrance as I was headed up. I think it was him anyway. It was hard to tell really. You're the one who hung around with him, not me so…not sure-hey, Lily! Where're you going? Lily!"

Lily barely heard her as she sprinted down the hall and nearly ran into a ghost as she rounded the marble stairs to the entrance hall.

"Watch your step, lass. No need to rush out. Weather is looking grim as it is out there and Herbology and Care for Magical Creatures is the other direction."

She ignored the ghost and raced down the stairs to the front doors of the castle and tore outside and down the stone steps. In her hurry, her foot slid on a slick step, but she caught her balance before she fell with a gasp. As she looked back at the spot where she nearly fell, she huffed and murmured to herself, "sheesh."

Lily took the steps a little more careful the rest of the way down and rubbed her robed arms with her bare hands as the lake's chill hit her upon arrival at the bottom of the stairs. "Should have brought my cloak," she whispered to herself, though she was not sure why she was whispering.

The lake was still as she treaded the sandy bar with the water barely touching ashore. Not a single bird bothered to chirp, all of them either hidden from the weather or had already gone south for the winter. She thought it was a good day for everyone to be hidden as the wind suddenly picked up, the frigid air taking her breath away for a moment.

No one was in sight as she travelled along. She yelled out for Severus, but the wind quickly drowned her words. She coughed at the air's force and put the back of her left hand to her nostrils and sniffed to prevent mucous from coming out.

As she turned the corner, she stopped abruptly and nearly tripped over her own feet. At the edge of the lake he stood with water to the edge of his trousers.

"Severus?" She spoke in a soft voice with a little quiver as she slowly approached him. He did seem to hear her or he was ignoring her, she was not sure which. "Severus? Sev-what-what are you doing out here? I was looking everywhere for you."

He just stood there and Lily gulped.

"Severus? Sev-answer me. What's wrong?"

He jumped and yanked out his wand as he turned her direction, which made her let out a startled gasp.

"Don't do that!" He yelled out.

Lily narrowed her eyes toward him, "You mean go looking for you? Sorry," she mocked.

Severus glared at her, "You found me. You want an award?"

Lily rolled her eyes and scoffed, "You know, you really are an asshole sometimes."

"If I'm asshole, why bother keeping me around?"

Lily paused for a moment before her lips curved into a smirk, "Guess I like assholes."

"Considering those googly eyes you give Potter, it seems you must."

"Stop."

"Stop what?"

"Don't work yourself up over them right now."

"I'm not."

"You always do."

"If they weren't such airheaded boars, always whining about something-"

"Don't start."

Severus's eyes shot daggers her direction, "You're defending them!"

"I am not defending them at all. This-nothing-none of it has anything to do with them."

"It has plenty to do with them!"

"They don't matter. You are what matters right now. Your life. They are fine. They're unimportant."

"They're quite important to you and every other damn person in the school. Don't even pretend they're not." He kicked a small stone at the water as he glanced at the darkening clouds that approached the castle swiftly. "No one matters, but them. It's no use. Why even try?"

Lily yanked his shoulder hard, which caused him to nearly stumble as he faced her. Her ashen cheeks were now rosy from the chill. Her hand was ice cold, but her touch warmed him instantly. "You matter." She took a step back and handed him his greying socks, "I'm not with them. I'm here with you. You matter. Everyone matters."

Severus took the socks from her and struggled on the verge of something to say as her eyes grew glossy.

Lily sniffed and put her left arm's sleeve to her nose. "It's freezing out here. My nose is frozen. We should go in."

"I don't want to go in," He snapped.

Lily jumped in start, but quickly regained her composure, "Professor Slughorn and Professor McGonagall are looking for you, by the way. They stopped me on my way out to look for you to say they were looking for you..."

"I don't care."

"They're going to go looking for you if you don't go to them. They are worried about you."

Severus scoffed as he put on his damp socks.

"They are worried about you missing so much class lately." She folded her arms as she braced herself against a strong gust. "You really are troubled. None of this is like you."

He scoffed again, "You don't know anything about me."

She narrowed her eyes again, "Oh? That so?"

"Yeah, that's so."

"I bet I know more about you than anyone else in this school."

"I don't think so."

"Oh, yeah? How many people know you make up spells and experiment in potions to make them far better than the books ever could?"

"People know I can make my own spells and I do well in Potions."

"What about the time in third year when you glued Pettigrew to his seat?"

"Who told you that?"

"I'm not stupid. I know it was you."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

Lily shrugged, "No evidence."

"That's not knowing more than anyone else just because you know one misdeed I did three years ago."

Lily looked down at her shoes a moment and then looked up at him with a smirk, "What about the toy wand you would sleep with because it made you feel like a real wizard until you got a real wand?"

"You said you'd never tell anyone about that!"

"And I haven't. I know you, Severus. You are melancholic by nature and sometimes daft-"

"I'm not daft!"

"Oh, you are so. You are quite brilliant, Severus Snape. One of the most brilliant people in this school, but sometimes you're very daft in your actions."

"And what, you're the patron saint of Scotland? Daft indeed, Lily." Severus waited for her to snap back at him, but instead she just stared for a moment and then the right side of her mouth twitched and then twitched again and she let out a little chuckle. All of a second later, she burst into a laughing fit that made him raise his eyebrows.

"Oh, it's funny? I'm daft."

Lily was holding her stomach, unable to stop laughing, "I can't-no-not fun-ny..."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"I'm sorry-it's just-okay-we're both a little daft." She pulled herself together, but still held her sides, "You called me daft as well."

"It takes one to know one."

For a moment, Lily was sure she saw Severus's lips twinge as if he might smile. Her heart moved up from her stomach a little, "I saw that."

He raised his right eyebrow, "Saw what?"

She slid her hand on top of his, "Your hand is like ice. Shall we go in now?"

"I don't want to talk to anyone."

"Tell them you don't then, but you must come inside. You'll catch your death out here."

"Maybe that was my intention."

She held her hands over his with a gentle rub in an attempt to warm them up a little. Severus's heart gave a flutter and a small wave of nausea hit him, but in a good way. It was hard to explain the feeling, even to himself.

"No, it's not. You don't-we need you-I need you."

Severus swallowed hard, "You-you need me."

"Friends need each other."

"F-friends? I thought-I thought you still hated me."

"I never hated you."

"Yes, you did." He yanked his hands away from hers.

"No, I never hated you. I was mad at you, frustrated with you. Hate you? No. I was upset and angry, but hatred wasn't how I felt. I felt I felt hurt. Sad. I lost a good friend and I lost him to someone dangerous, I thought. And I couldn't stop it. It hurt because-because you were so much better, Severus. You were. You were and you wanted to throw it all away-away to someone-something that was going to destroy you, but you couldn't-you wouldn't see it." Her eyes glossed over and she sniffed.

"I didn't want to hurt you," He whispered, "I don't know why I said that and I'd give anything to take it all back."

"Don't. We can't go back, only forward. It happens and it's over and I forgive you. I hope you can do the same."

"Forgive you? For what?"

"For not doing enough to stop you. For seeing you so sad and being too much of a coward to not care what others thought and help you. Some Gryffindor I am. Brave? No, I was a coward."

"No, you-you're never a coward."

She nodded, "I was and I'm sorry for not doing anything sooner."

"You couldn't help me."

"Maybe not, but I could try. I want to try," She held her hand to him, "let me try. Will you give me another chance to be your friend?"

Severus thought he'd been slammed into a parallel universe, "Give you a second chance? I'm the one who needs to be asking for another chance, not you?"

"Is that a yes?"

Severus looked out at the lake one last time and slipped on his shoes just before taking the hand she had offered. A cheery grin pierced her lips for a brief moment and she looked into his eyes. His heart gripped and the answer was set. One more chance.


	6. Life is A Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is still worried about her old friend's mental state.

Severus sucked in air with a grimace and nearly pulled his hand away as Lily held it out. 

“Sorry, but you need to hold still.” She pressed the cloth to the scraps on his hand. “Almost done.” Lily sat up in the chair and glanced around the library. “I hope you told them the truth.” 

“Who?” He asked as he looked at her. 

“McGonagall and Slughorn.” 

“With what?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“That you aren’t going to harm yourself.” 

He tilted his head a little and looked at her eyes, “I’m not. I told you so. I meant it.” 

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her wand. With a huff, she pointed it at his hand and spoke a spell. He moved his fingers in and out as the pain eased. 

“I wish you hadn’t lied to them though. That you aren’t or weren’t suicidal.”

He pulled the quilt tighter around his body, still chilled from being outside and being in the lake. “Pssh, you really think I was going to tell them?” 

“No, but you were, are, suicidal. You should seek help from someone.”

“I’m fine,” he spoke through gritted teeth, “I don’t need help, Lily.” He looked down at his Potions book sitting on the table. “Guess I need to catch up on my work.” 

Lily smiled, “Well, you can. If anyone can catch up, it’s you.” A small grin formed at the corner of her mouth, “Not that you need it. Think in Potions,” she motioned to the book he had just opened, “You were already ahead.” 

“I need to catch up on my assignments.” Severus took out his quill with a sigh. 

“We can do them together if you want?” 

Severus glanced up, his eyes on her, “Are you sure you want to spend that much time with me?” 

Lily looked up from her Muggle Studies book, “Depends on if you want to spend that time with me.” 

Severus nearly rolled his eyes. She really wanted to know if he wanted to spend his time with her? “Won’t your Gryffindor pals wonder why you are talking to me again?” 

She waved her hand forward and scoffed, “That’s not their concern.” 

“Then you’ll have to make excuses for me again.” He demurred. 

She didn’t look up from writing, just shrugged, “What excuses?” 

He scoffed. “You said that before. You made excuses for me for years.” 

This time she glanced up, “Because you spent so much time with Rosier and Mulciber and Avery. They wondered why I’d hang out with someone who spent time with them.” 

Severus sighed as he turned the page of his book. He put his hand to his temple and rubbed it as it burned. Branches of a tree outside beat against the window as raindrops raced down. Light from the waxing gibbous moon was fast increasing as the day’s light was disappearing. The night was coming again and choked. 

“We should head to the dining hall for dinner.” 

“You go ahead. I’m not hungry.” 

“Sev, you’ve barely eaten anything today. You have to eat. Starving yourself is still killing yourself.” 

“I’m just not hungry.” 

“At least come and try to eat something. Anything.” 

Severus mentally groaned. “Fine. I’ll go eat something,” he grumbled. 

She stood up and motioned her hand forward. He slid the chair back slowly and leisurely rose to his feet. He strolled behind her down to the dining hall. Severus stood at the entrance inside the dining hall and watched Lily walk over to the Gryffindor table. Hands in his pockets he sauntered over to the Slytherin table. 

Lily sat down at the table making sure she would see the Slytherin table from her view. 

“Did you manage to find the Snape kid?” Mary asked as she took a seat beside of Lily. 

“Oh, um, yeah, I did.” 

“Was he in big trouble?” Sirius mocked. 

“No,” Lily half snapped. 

“Come to think of it,” James said as he sat down across from Mary, “I haven’t really seen Snape much.”

Lily shrugged, “He apparently hasn’t been too well. That’s why they wanted to see him. Guess to make up some work or something.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of water, eyeing the cup instead of them. As she glanced up from her glass, she could see Severus sitting off at the back corner of the table alone. Her heart sunk a little as she pushed the potatoes around her plate. 

“Not hungry, Lily?” Mary asked. 

“Not really.” 

“Hope Snivellus didn’t give you his sickness,” Sirius stated. 

“Don’t call him that.” She snapped, “And I’m fine, just a lot on my mind right now.” She took a bite of potato anyway. 

“Okay, fine.” Sirius put his hands up. “Sorry.” 

Severus pushed around the peas on his plate and picked up a yorkshire pudding. He ate it slowly, mindlessly, but shoveled the peas into his mouth and took a large swig of water to wash it down. 

When he glanced up over the Gryffindor table, he sighed as he watched her chat with her friends. Severus shoved his plate away and got up from the table. With his hands back in his pockets, he strolled out of the dining hall. Hardly anyone was in the halls as he made his way down the corridor. 

Lily eyed the Slytherin table and noticed Severus was gone. She sucked her breath in and stood up, pushing her plate with half of her meal away. As she stepped over the bench, she smacked her knee against the table. She grimaced and gritted her teeth. 

“Are you okay?” Mary asked. 

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine.” 

“You didn’t eat much.” 

“I just remembered something I have to do.” 

“Are you coming back?” Sirius asked. 

“No.” 

“Can I have your yorkshire pudding then?” 

Lily scoffed and threw her right hand out, her palm faced up, “Have at it.” She hurried out of the dining hall and darted her eyes back and forth and only saw empty corridors. Dammit, Severus, she thought, where did you go? Where would he go? She walked briskly down the hall as she pondered where he might have gone. It was raining and dark outside, so surely not there. He didn’t seem to want to go back to his dorms, so highly doubted there. Maybe the library? Or maybe he had gone back to one of the study rooms? She hoped he had not gone back to a tower. 

Finally, she reached the library door and leaned over and held her knees. She swallowed as she tried to catch her breath before entering the library. A sweep of the library yielded empty results, so to the study rooms she went. As she weaved her way around the halls towards the study rooms, she nearly jumped when she saw him walking her direction. 

“Severus!” 

He leaned his head up and stopped walking. 

She sprinted to him, “Severus, I saw you’d left. I didn’t know where you’d gone.” 

“You don’t have to follow me everywhere.”

“Well, no, I just didn’t know what happened. I’m just concerned if everything is okay or not.” 

Severus folded his arms across his chest with a dour expression. “I think I’m going to take a shower. I don’t think you want to follow, do you?” he asked. 

She gave a side smile, “I think you can do that alone.” 

He uncrossed his arms, “I’m going to shower and then get some of my work caught up.” 

As he turned, she bit her lip, “Severus?” 

He cocked his head back her direction. 

“I’m going to my dorm for awhile but, if you need me, for anything, just come to the dorms. Just say that, um, that Slughorn sent you for me. If they question why, just say it’s for the Slug Club or something.” She stuck her hand in her pocket and then took his hand and placed hers over it and put a rock with a piece of glass in the center of his hand. “If it’s late, even if it’s in the middle of the night, turn it over three times and I’ll know, and I’ll find you. If you just need to talk or just want company, especially if you feel suicidal,” she closed his hand over the rock and squeezed his hand, “Please let me know. Even if it’s 2AM. I mean it.” She let go of his hand and took a step back. 

“Okay.” He took a deep breath in through his nose and blew it out softly. 

She watched as he put it in his pocket and glanced at her a moment. After a few seconds of silence, he nodded and turned around. She watched him stroll down the corridor until he was out of her vision.


	7. As The Night Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily worries about Severus's night alone and Severus ponders his life ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still plodding on with work as we wait for COVID test results for a co-worker's roommate. Wish we all could quarantine for two weeks and nip this in the bud. Stay well everyone during this crazy time ahead. I lived through 9/11, Swine Flu, SARS and I've never seen anything like this.

The bathroom door’s closing echoed in the empty bathroom. All the other students were still in the Great Hall or heading to their dorms, which allowed him the privacy he desired. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the stone Lily gave him and smiled to himself. With a heavy sigh, he entered a shower stall and took off his robes. As the warm water hit his face, he ran his hand through his hair and choked. 

Nearly 24 hours post what should have been the end. Tomorrow was December, which meant end of term exams and holidays, neither of which he was looking forward to. He didn’t know what his plans were for the night. Hell, he did not know his plans for anything. He had no plans. He was not even supposed to be alive. 

It was only Tuesday, so he really had to think about what to do for his classes. Show up? The thought of going to his classes and dealing with his housemates and his professors over his absences last week and this week made him pissed. 

Wednesdays meant Transfiguration with McGonagall and she was already suspicious of his lies that he was not suicidal and was fine. He had already missed eight of his classes this week. There was so much to catch up on as well from his poor attendance and work. He just did not care. He still did not care. It seemed so pointless. 

While he unsure what to do about his classes, what he did know was that he zero intention of returning to the Slytherin dorms. His former friends wanted nothing to do with him and he absolutely did not trust them. He certainly did not trust being alone with them, especially while he slept. Then again if they did kill him, it would end everything anyway and they would be expelled. The issue was he knew they would not actually kill him, just hurt him. 

He ran his hands down his face and cursed to himself before staring at his hands. His pale, fleshy hands that still had life. His pale slender stomach moving up and down because he was still breathing. A morose thought about his body being devoid of colour and greyed of decay as he lay in a box as it should have been entered his mind. Quickly he pushed the thought away. 

After he cleaned himself up and put on clean robes, he left the shower stall. The bathroom was still empty for the time being, but dinner was ending so it wouldn’t be long. He dried his hair quickly with a spell and looked at himself in the mirror at the sink. His eyes bore heavy bags underneath and his face was even more pale than he recalled. Dammit it was only nearly December. There was still six months of school to get through. The only option for the night was to go the library to study before they forced students to their dorms. 

He decided to perambulate the distance to the library. The more time he could kill the better after all. Since it was still early the portraits were all busy or enjoying the leisure time before students interrupted. As he made his way down the halls, more and more students voices vibrated off the corridors. When he finally arrived at the library, he found it nearly empty to his delight. Taking the back table near the window, he flopped into a chair and shut his eyes for a moment to imbibe the silence. The librarian coughed once to disturb the quiet. The sound of rain pelting against the window calmed him. He missed his old dorm where he could hear the lake lapping against the window each night. He did not miss his dormmates. 

With a heavy sigh, he pulled out some of his schoolbooks with some parchment and ink. He had two hours of time to kill. 

****

**0o0o0**

Lily entered the empty common room with everyone else likely still in the dining hall. She slid her hand into her pocket and pulled out the other half of the rock. She clutched her hand tightly over it with a deep sigh and sat down by the fire. The last thing she wanted to do was leave him alone, but also did not want to overcrowd him either. She had stayed with him the entire night before and this was going to be his first night since the incident alone. Being alone and without things to occupy the mind risked his suicidal ideation returning. How would he fair in his dorms? Would he even go to his dorms? Where else could he go? She just wanted him to realize his own worth and value and feel safe. She wished he would feel some happiness again. If only she knew how to help him be happy again.

As she pondered these thoughts, fellow housemates began to enter the common room from the portrait. She pulled out her arithmancy book to start her homework and to also try and take her mind off Severus. Though she tried to convince herself he would be fine, it was hard to shake off the concern. The previous night replayed in her mind repeatedly like a horror film. How close he had come to taking his own life still unnerved her. A lump caught in her throat as she held the rock. She could not shake the feeling that his depression was partly caused by her even if she did not intend on it. 

A tap on her shoulder made her jump. She turned to see her friend Niamh standing behind her. “Hey, everything okay?” 

Lily cleared her throat and nodded as she tried to suck back the tears that threatened to fall. “Yeah, why?”

“You just seem a little-preoccupied since this morning.” 

“Just thinking about the end of term, that’s all.” She said quickly, maybe a little too quickly because Niamh gave her a slight side eye. She had a feeling Niamh saw her damp eyes. 

“Yeah, exams are going to be hectic, but we still have a couple weeks to prepare for those.” She sat down across from Lily. “Hey, you sure that’s all that’s bothering you?” Her tone was soft, and she grabbed Lily’s free hand. “What’s wrong? You look like you are going to cry.” 

Lily sniffed, shook her head and sighed, “I’m fine, honest. Just a lot on my mind lately, that’s all.” 

Niamh also sighed, “Okay, but you know you can always to talk to me, right?” 

Lily gave her a tiny smile and looked down at the rock again. Not about this she couldn’t. “I know. I’m okay. Really.” 

Niamh gave Lily’s shoulder a slight squeeze and got up to walk to some other Gryffindors in their year. She folded her arms into her lap and stared at the crackling fire. In the span of about 24 hours so much had changed. She did not know how to tell anyone else about the situation and feared what would happen if she did. There was no way any of her friends would likely feel any sympathy for her former friend. They did not get it. They never had understood their friendship. It was hard to explain, but despite their falling out, there was always a place for him deep down. He had been the one to show her the magic. The diverging of their paths and house rivalries had seeped down and cracked their friendship over the years, but they still had a lot of memories. They were not all as bad as the ones that helped end their friendship. Most were indeed good memories. 

A small pain gripped inside the pit of her stomach and she brought her folded arms closer to her abdomen. The lump in her throat returned. 

“Having the cramps, Lily?” A voice sneered behind her. 

She jumped slightly and turned to glare at them, “No, Black, I’m not.” She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. 

“Sure about that? You’ve been awful moody today.” 

She scoffed and started to get up from the chair, “Screw you.” 

“Well, I’ll save that one for Potter for you.” 

Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head, “Keep it. You can both screw each other instead.” She stood up with her arms still folded across her stomach. 

“Well, that’s a nice offer, but I don’t think James would be as interested.” 

“I’m neither in the mood nor do I care for your tired old jokes.” She turned on her heel and walked towards her dorm. 

“He’s just kidding, Lils.” James blurted. 

She turned to look at James for a moment, her lips pursed, “If you say so.” She wheeled herself back around to the dorm stairs. 

Alone in her dorm, she decided to try and study some to take her mind off Severus. He had promised her he would not end his life right now, so she had to trust him at his word. 

In the middle of the night, Lily bolted up in her bed in a cold sweat. The room was silent minus the slight creaking of branches outside and the snores and heavy breathing of her dormmates. The stone. Where was it? A surge of panic washed over her as she felt all around under her sheets. She neither felt nor saw it. In the darkness, she leaned over and snatched her wand from her nightstand and accioed it. It emerged from under the duvet to her great relief. As she looked at it, it was still clear meaning he had not summoned her. She gripped the stone tight in her hand and crawled back under the covers out of the chill of the winter night. With heavy eyes, she drifted back into slumber, the rock still in her hand which was tucked under her stomach. 

****

**0o0o0**

Severus managed to get some of his homework done before he was basically kicked out of the library. Everyone rushed by him to get to their dorms before curfew. He just hung back and loitered near the entrance of the dorms until the rush died down. He dragged his feet into the common room and found a seat off in the corner away from the lingering students not ready to turn in for the night.

With his back turned from his fellow housemates, he opened his arithmancy textbook and began to work on one of the assignments. Slowly over the course of the next hour, the room thinned out until the heads came out and told everyone to get to their room. At that point, Severus gathered his books and headed to the bathroom. A couple other students were in there, so he went into a stall and sat down. Once the voices died down and silence deafened the lavatory, he exited the stall. He carefully opened the lavatory door and found an empty and darkened hallway. Careful to keep his steps from alerting his presence, he entered the deserted common room. He left the Slytherin dorms and made his way to a nearby study room. With a heavy sigh, he flopped onto the lounge chair and tossed his bag onto the floor. The fire let out a soft crackle as it died out. 

Severus reached into his pocket and ran his fingers over the rock. He clutched it in his fist and delicately pulled it out as if he might drop it. Slowly he opened his fist to reveal the rock. A tiny smile crept at the corner of his lips as he stared at it. It was surprising she had given this to him. He was unsure when she made this item or who she might have given it to before unless she had made it today. Lily was gifted at charms and this would not have been complicated for her to create. Still, it would have taken a little time. He did not know what to think about her giving him this and telling him to use it if he needed anything at all, even in the middle of the night. It still baffled him that she even bothered to care. 

A log rolled back in the fireplace and he wrapped his fingers over the rock before placing it back into his pocket. 

Severus was not sure when he fell asleep, but it was not long enough as he groggily opened his eyes with his alarm. Darkness still penetrated the room as he laid on the chair. With a heavy sigh, he was reminded that it was now December. The calendar in the room had flipped overnight with a large red circle over the 1st. Cheery displays of the coming holidays would soon be everywhere, and he mentally groaned thinking about it. Soon enough almost everyone would be going home. Except him. He had not thought that far ahead but figured he would stay behind. 

He swung his legs around to touch the floor and rolled his neck and shoulders to ease the stiffness of sleeping on a chair. With a heavy sigh, he put his hand into his pocket and felt for the rock. Feeling it in his pocket, he decided it was time to return to the start of the year. If his life was not ending, he had to get his life back on track. This meant he would resume attending his classes whether he wanted to or not. 

As he stood up, he glanced to the window to see the purple streaks of the sunrise beginning. He grabbed his bag and left the study room to an empty corridor. His footsteps echoed in the hall as he sauntered to the lavatory to get ready for the day, 

Severus entered the quiet Great Hall. Only a handful of students were up and eating breakfast. Lily was likely not awake yet so he took a seat at the end of the Slytherin table. Only two other students were at there as he grabbed a toast with jam. He watched over the next hour as more students filtered in until he saw Lily enter the Hall. Her eyes darted around the room until they locked with his. She sighed with relief and smiled at him before going to the Gryffindor table. 

Now that she had seen he was okay, he left the Hall and strolled to his first class. Upon finding the classroom empty, he took a seat at the back corner and opened his Transfiguration text and worked on the assignment due that day. 

He was deep into the assignment when he was startled by a figure next to him. Severus jumped and turned to see Lily. “Geez, Lily, you’re like a cat. I didn’t even hear you walk in.” 

Her eyes widened for a moment with a start and then she laughed. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Just wondered how things were going.” 

He sighed. “They are going.” 

“Decided to attend classes today?” She sat beside of him. 

“May as well. Since I’m not dead, best get back on with things.” 

She frowned and her shoulders sunk. “I wish you didn’t feel so down. I wish there was something I could do to make you happy again.” 

He gripped his quill tight, “I don’t know how to be happy.” 

“Well maybe you can let me try to help.” She put her hand over his free hand. 

He glanced at her. “Lily, you know I care about you and trust you, but I just, I, I don’t know how you can possibly make things better.” 

Her jaw locked as she gave a soft huff, “Still, if you’ll let me, I can be your friend again.” 

“You’re the only friend I’ve got right now,” he admitted. “I’ve nearly finished this assignment at least. Trying to play catch up.” He turned to face her, “What’s your class this morning?” 

“Sciences. Then English. I have free period after lunch before Latin and Greek.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Double Transfiguration this morning. Then a free period before Arithmancy.” 

She smiled at that, “So, we both have a free period after lunch? You want to hang out then?” 

He shrugged, “I have a lot of homework or I’d say yes.” 

She gripped his hand, “Then we can do homework together. If you want, that is.” 

With her hand on his, a faint smile pierced his lips, “Sure. I’d like that.” 

Her eyes bore into his for a moment until the door pushed fully open and they turned to see who it was. 

McGonagall nearly jumped at the sight of them. “Oh, good morning. Ms Evans, what are you going here? You don’t have class again until tomorrow morning.” 

“I was just talking to Severus.” 

“I see. Good morning, Mr. Snape. It’s nice to see you in class again.” 

He was hoping she wouldn’t be here so early. 

“Feeling any better?” She asked him. Her eyes narrowed at him, yet had a soft edge to it. 

Not really, he thought, “Fine. I’m here.” 

Lily stood up, “I better get upstairs to class. I’ll see you at lunch, then?” 

He nodded, “See you then.” He watched her leave the room and turned back to his parchment. 

The room was silent for a moment and he noticed McGonagall had left. A shadow appeared over his paper and he again jumped. “Geez, why is everyone sneaking up on me today?” 

“Completed your missing assignments yet?” She asked, unfazed at his response. 

“Most of them, Professor.” 

“Severus?” 

He cringed. 

“I know I’m not your head of house, but I’m still your professor. If you ever need anything, do not hesitate to ask. We may be professors, but we are all here to help too. The teenage years can be rough.” 

He tried to give her faint smile but couldn’t succeed. “Thanks. I’m fine.” 

She nodded, but he could tell she did not believe him. “Well, my door is always open if you ever want to talk about it.” 

He sighed and went back to his assignment though he could feel her watching him. He could only think how much school sucked right now and how much he did not want to be here.


	8. Drowning of Sorrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus drowns his sorrows and suffers the consequences.

**Chapter Eight: Drowning of Sorrows**

_“If you ever know a man who tries to drown his sorrows,  
kindly inform him his sorrows know how to swim.” -Pittacus Lore, The Power of Six. _

As the classroom slowly began to fill with his housemates, he tried to avoid McGonagall’s eyes knowing she was watching him. He shifted a little in his seat and put his quill in the ink. Once the clock struck eight, she waved her wand to close the door and began lessons. He mindlessly took notes, but half listened to the lecture. After the break, he haphazardly did the practical applications for the day. When the clock struck noon, he was grateful to be away from her prying eyes. 

After some lunch, he headed for the library. A handful of students were there studying, and he took a seat at the back table away from eyes of the librarian and most of the other students. He propped up his textbook and pulled out some parchment and his quill. He folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on his hands with a heavy sigh. The last thing he wanted to do was more homework. A burning sensation ran across his head and he shut his eyes for a moment. He did not want to be here. He did not want to be alive. It was all so pointless and now his professors were eyeing him strangely and he knew it was bullshit about them giving any shit at all. They had never given a single damn about him before, so he was not going to have them pretend to care now. 

Fucking December. It was the worst month to be alive. He did not want to go home for the holidays ahead nor did he want to stay here either with the all professors’ watchful eyes and probing inquiries. If he had not promised Lily, he would just end it now. A wand Avada Kedavra, a slit of his throat with a curse, a deadly potion perhaps. The numbness inside caught in his throat. He put his forehead against his hands as dampness blurred his vision. He sniffed and groaned as he leaned back against the chair and cleared his throat. Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. 

He glanced up and saw Lily strolling into the library. With a heavy huff, he choked back the empty emotion. At least it was a free period and Professor Eigen was one who was unlikely to bother him. She tended to have her back to the class most of the lecture and then chugged her coffee topped off with some questionable potion while they did the equations. 

Lily’s smile faded as she approached him. Her eyes grew soft as she set her bag down and sat across from him at the table. He nearly jumped back as she grabbed his hand. 

His heart started to race a little as she stroked the top of his hand with her thumb. “Was it a rough morning?” Her voice was barely above a whisper. 

He half-shrugged but was speechless as she ran her fingers delicately over his hand. Part of him was tempted to pull away, but a bigger part wanted her to keep doing it. What was she doing touching his hand like this? Without thinking too much, he put his hand over hers. Her eyes got wide for a fleeting second and then she gave a tiny corner smile and clasped her other hand over his with a gentle squeeze. 

His heart started to pound under her touch and his head started to burn and spin. He couldn’t do this. The numbness within in returned, his body and mind raw. He pulled his hands from her grip and slammed his book down as he cleared his throat. 

Severus glanced away from her and snatched his bag. “I’m going to the bathroom.” He mumbled so quiet she barely heard him. 

“What? Sev, wait.” He strolled out of the library with his head down. She scurried to her feet and grabbed her bag before hurrying after him. 

He walked into the bathroom and to his relief found it devoid of anyone else. The door opened and he spun around to see Lily enter. “Wrong bathroom?”

She bit her lip, “Sev, I” she folded her arms across her chest. “Would you just trust me to help?” 

Severus sunk his shoulders and set his bag down by a shower stall. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the closed stall door. “How?” 

Her eyes darted to the ground before landing back on him, “I’m not sure, but I really want to try.” 

He sighed, “I just don’t know, Lily. It’s pointless, isn’t it? Being here.” 

She frowned and slumped her shoulders as she looked into his eyes. “Is it? It can get better, Sev. It really can.” 

He moved away from her gaze, “I don’t see how. I still don’t see why you give a damn.” 

Lily stepped closer to him. “I’ll always give a damn. Just because we went our separate ways last year doesn’t mean I completely stopped giving a damn about you.” 

“Lily, I just-” The bathroom door opened, and the student stopped and stared at them. 

She blushed a little, “I should go. I’ll be in the library if you want to study with me.” She turned and rushed out of the bathroom. 

Severus glared daggers at the boy’s stares. He cowered under his gaze and rushed to the back urinal. Severus snatched his bag and left the bathroom. 

After his afternoon classes, Severus skipped dinner and hid in the library with a bottle or two of fire whiskey. After the initial burning, he began to chug it and drown his sorrows into it. 

Lily perused the Slytherin table during dinner but could not see him and her heart sunk a little. Awhile after dinner, she decided to finally hunt him down. She sighed with relief seeing the back of his head in the back corner of the library and approached him. 

He jumped when she touched his shoulder and quickly covered his bag with a gasp. He swallowed hard. She raised an eyebrow and sat down next to him. “You missed a good dinner.” 

“Wasn’t hungry.” He mumbled. 

“What’re you doing?” Severus knew that tone. It was not a question, but an accusation. 

He put the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle a hiccup. “Nothing,” he half slurred. 

“What’s in the bag?” She nearly gasped, “Sev, have you been drinking?” 

His eyes grew wide, “What-no-why would you think that?” 

“Your breath smells like alcohol and you’re slurring your words. Show me.” 

“No!” He snapped, “I’m fine, thanks. My bag is private.” 

“Why are you drinking? You think it’s going to help?” Her eyes bore into his. “Where did you get the alcohol anyway?” 

“Maybe it well,” he said through gritted teeth. “Who cares?” 

“How much have you had?” 

He shook his head, “Doesn’t matter. I’m fine.” He shivered slightly and rubbed his temple with a hiccup. 

“Are you drunk?” She sat straight up in the chair. “Oh my god, Severus. You’re going to get in so much trouble if they see you.” 

“Who fucking cares? I don’t give a damn about any of them. Expel me for all I care.” 

She scoffed, “Are you fucking kidding me? What happened today?” 

He grumbled and snuck another sip from his bag. She flipped it open to reveal the bottle and pulled it near her with a huff. He yanked it from her hands and glared at her. “That’s private.” 

“You drank the entire bottle. Sev, that’s fire whiskey. It’s so strong. Have you ever even had that much alcohol before?” 

Severus scoffed, “It’s just some alcohol.” He slurred and his vision grew blurrier. “Besides, I didn’t drink the entire bottle.” He smirked as his head spun. “I drank two.” 

She nearly gasped, “You had two of them? Sev, that’s dangerous. Don’t tell me you are trying to drink yourself to death? It won’t fucking work. You’ll start to puke everywhere before that happens.” 

When she said the word puke, he cringed. Nausea suddenly hit him as the whiskey churned in his empty stomach. He swallowed back and put the back of his hand to his mouth as bile began to rise and burn his throat. He quickly stood up and took a moment to stand upright without stumbling. “Bathroom,” he mumbled afraid saying anything more would bring the alcohol up all over the table. He ran from the library covering his mouth, half stumbling on the way out. 

Lily rushed to her feet as he bolted out of the room and cursed to herself. She grabbed both of their things and cringed seeing the two empty bottles in his bag. Where did he even get them? She sighed and walked out of the library, not thrilled with the idea of seeing him vomit. 

For the second time that day, she followed him into the bathroom. As soon as she entered, she heard a loud dry heave and cringed. With a heavy sigh, she walked over to the stall and set their bags down near the sinks. She opened the stall door to find him hugging the toilet. 

“I told you so.” 

He grumbled and lifted his head, “Fuck you.” 

To his surprise, she laughed. “Serves you right drinking that much so quickly and on an empty stomach too. You should know better than that.” 

He heaved and vomited again. She cringed and hoped she wouldn’t end up puking too since it only been a little over an hour since she had eaten. 

“You really want to see me like this?” He mumbled. 

She sighed and took her hair tie out. She pulled his hair back and put the tie in his hair. 

“What’re you doing?” He moaned and flushed the toilet. 

“Putting your hair out of your face. Do you want to get vomit in it?” 

He sat up and laid back against the stall wall near the toilet. “It burns.” 

“Well, it burns going down. Did you think it wouldn’t coming back up?” The bathroom door started to open, and Lily stepped inside of the stall and let the door close. She waited with bated breath while someone entered a nearby stall. After a few minutes they left, and Severus began to throw up again. She put her hand on his back. He flushed again and put his elbows on the seat as he rubbed his temple. 

“Sure I’ll feel better soon,” 

She guffawed. “Uh, unlikely. My money is on a bad hangover in the morning.” 

He groaned. 

“You remember that time I threw up at your house?” Lily asked. 

“What?”

“When I was 10. You remember? I was staying with you for a couple of hours to play and got sick.” 

He moaned, “Yeah. My mum was pissed when you barfed on our carpet.” He let out a little laugh. 

“She phoned my mum right quick.” Lily smiled. “Guess I had a stomach thing because I puked in my mom’s car on the way home and a couple more times that day.” 

He tried to chuckle, but just groaned. Lily rubbed his back. Severus closed his eyes as the tips of her fingers stroked the top of his spine. He shivered under her touch, wishing she would never stop. The sudden urge to urinate hit and he forced himself unsteadily to his feet. “I need the use the bathroom.” 

“You’re in the bathroom.”

He grimaced. “Just shut the door.” 

“You want me to leave?” 

“Rather not have an audience while I piss.” 

She sighed "Well, can't down that much liquid and not need to piss." She left the stall while he relieved himself and opened it back up a minute after the toilet flushed. “Better?” 

Severus shook his head, “No. I think I’m going to throw up again.” 

“Well, hope you learned your lesson. Getting drunk won’t solve your problems.” 

He was sick off and on over the next couple of hours. She would rub his back each time he vomited, and he listened to her calm voice soothe him with various stories about their times together. Her fingertips caressed his spine and shoulders as if she was strumming his pain away. It lulled him into sleep. 

Severus awoke to a throbbing head staring at the tile and someone’s robes. He jolted up and saw Lily asleep against the stall open door. When did he fall asleep? Had he passed out? He winced as he pressed his hands against his aching head and watched her sleep for a moment. She seemed so peaceful and he wished he could feel as peaceful as she appeared. He cleared his throat and tapped her shoulder. Lily gasped and jumped to attention. 

“What? What happened? Are you still sick?” 

“Sorry, no, it’s nothing, just think we should maybe leave. Guess we fell asleep.” 

She stretched. “What? No, I didn’t. Just a cat nap.” She smirked. “Do you know the time?” 

“No, I don’t.” He slowly got to his feet in a half stumble. Lily caught him before he fell. 

“Think you should go sit for a moment. Come on.” She summoned him to a shower stall and pointed to the bench. “Sit down.” 

He did as she said with a side eye. She grabbed a towel and placed it on his back before undoing the hair tie. She grabbed the shower nozzle and turned it on. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Washing your hair.” 

He glared at her, “I don’t need you to give me a shower.” 

“I’m not trying to bathe you. You have vomit in it from earlier. Really want to keep it in?.” 

Severus curled his lip up but let her wash his hair. He closed his eyes as she massaged his scalp with the shampoo. She spelled his hair dry once washed and removed the towel. 

“I’ll be right back.” She rushed to her bag and came back with a comb and smoothed out the tangles in his hair. “That should feel better. Make you a little more alert too.” 

“Thanks.” He whispered. 

“You want to go hang out in a study room for a little while? Don’t really want to leave you alone if you start to puke again. Hate to think you may choke on your own vomit or something.”

“Am feeling a little better that way.” What was he saying, “But we can hang out for a little while.” 

He pulled his bag to his shoulder and realized the empty bottles were gone. “Hid the evidence?” 

She untucked her hair from the strap of her bag, “Don’t want you in trouble.” 

They left the bathroom to an empty and dark corridor. She took out her wand, “lumos,” she whispered. As they passed the library, Lily looked in and gulped. “I think we are out well past curfew.” 

“Your dormmates are going to wonder where you were again.” 

She shushed him and he followed her to a study room. She held the doorknob and gently closed the door before turning the light on. “Dammit, it’s after 11. We have class in the morning.” 

He slumped into the chair. “My head is killing me.” 

“That apparently happens when you drink too much. Get some sleep. You have to go to classes tomorrow. Would look odd to only go yesterday. I have Transfiguration and Arithmancy in the morning. What about you?” 

“Sciences then a free period.” 

“Well that’s good. So, you just have to get through one class in the morning. Get some rest.” 

“What about you?” 

“I’m going to get some sleep too. I don’t have any free periods tomorrow.” 

“What about your dormmates?” 

She raised an eyebrow as she fluffed some blankets for a makeshift bed on the floor. “What about them?” 

“They’re going to get suspicious as to why you keep disappearing during the nights.” 

“Pssh, whatever.” She fluffed a blanket into a pillow. “Go to sleep.” 

He sighed and curled up in the chair. “Don’t get in trouble on my behalf.” 

“The worst that will happen is them being annoying. Don’t worry about ‘em. Worry about yourself right now.” 

He closed his eyes, “I’m not worried about myself. Worried about you.” 

“Well, don’t worry about me either. I can handle them just fine.” 

Lily waited until he was asleep and closed her aching eyes. Her alarm buzzed and she groaned into the blanket. Severus bolted up at her alarm. 

She rolled onto her knees and sat up. 

“Rough night?” Severus grumbled. “You look terrible.” 

She glared at him, “Thanks a lot.” 

“I just mean you look exhausted and your hair is all mess. I know I must look awful.” 

She stood up and smoothed her robes. “Well, glad you didn’t get sick anymore in the night. How’s your head?”

“Pounding.” 

“Well, then, I’m going to my dorm to get ready for the day. Suggest you do the same.” She put the blankets back as he got to his feet. “Meet you at lunch?” 

“Sure, Lily. See you later.” 

She grabbed the doorknob. 

“Lily.”

She turned to him. 

“Thanks. For everything.” 

She nodded with a smile that met her eyes. “Of course. What are friends for?” 

He watched her leave and a small smile crept up. It fell as he grabbed his bag and left the study room for his dorm.

**0o0o0**

Lily tried to quickly comb her hair as she headed to the Gryffindor tower. She entered the dorm to a couple students, all younger, loitering in the common room. She rushed up the stairs and nearly collided with a fourth year as she turned the corner. The girl just gave Lily a side-eye as she walked past. Lily softly opened the door to her dorm. Her dormmates appeared to still be asleep. She pulled out her trunk quietly and grabbed some clean undergarments and robes, tiptoeing back out.

She turned on the shower and let out a heavy sigh as the water cascaded over her stiff and tired body. Lily huffed and cursed to herself over the evening before, frustration mounting. She hit the stall wall with her fist. Nothing was working to help him, and he was not going to ask for help either. He was still depressed and still wanted to die. She had to think of something that would help him be happier, even just a little. Surely there was something to help him see that life was worth living. What that was, however, she did not know. 

Lily got dressed and fixed her hair and makeup. As she started to leave the bathroom, her fellow dormmate Linda entered followed by Marie-Christine. Linda narrowed her eyes at Lily and turned back, “Look, Marie-Christine. She showed back up after all.” 

Lily ignored them and grabbed the handle. 

“Where were you last night, Lily? No one saw you since dinner.” 

She opened the door. “Out.” 

“Why are you being so secretive? You disappeared the other night after going for your book and then you’ve been running off after classes and randomly during lunch. Then you disappeared again after tea and you never came back. If you keep disappearing at night, I’m going to tell Rose.” 

Lily let go of the door and turned to them, her eyes narrowed. “It’s none of your all’s business what I do. You are neither my Mum nor a teacher. What I’ve been up to doesn’t concern any of you.”

“Fine, then.” Linda said and smoothed her robes. “You can deal with Rose instead.” 

“Oh, I’m just trembling.” Lily mocked. 

“She’ll tell McGonagall.” Marie-Christine finally spoke up. “You’re going to get in trouble.” 

“I’ll be fine. I’ve just had a special matter to tend to lately.” Lily turned back to the door and left before they could respond.


	9. A Blue Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December is rough. Warning: suicide discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have more time to write since work has decided to let us stay home for two days next week while getting paid. Hell yes. My name is Snakeofthe80s and I approve of this message.

Severus took a seat at the back-corner table in Potions on Friday morning. He scratched random notes about bezoars being the counter to nearly all potion poisonings as others slowly trickled in. Lily took a seat at the table across from him. She leaned over and whispered, “Feeling better today?” 

He shrugged. “No hangover.” 

“That’s good.” 

When she chose to partner with him for the practical part of the lesson, the side-eyes seemed like knives at the back of his neck. Lily opened the book and strolled to the front for the ingredients without a word to anyone else. Severus gulped as Potter glared daggers at him and sucked in his cheeks that were slightly flushed. Black’s eyes were narrowed, and they followed Lily to the front and then back to the seat beside of Severus. Mulciber and Travers sneered his direction. Two Slytherin girls scrunched up their noses his direction and he noticed at the opposite side of the room, two of Lily’s dormmates doing the same. 

As class ended, Linda had pulled Lily to the side. Though Severus pretended he did not hear, Linda appeared incapable of a quiet voice. 

“What are you doing?” She asked through clenched teeth. 

“What’re you talking about?” Lily asked. 

“You know what. Why are you talking to _him_?”

“Who? Severus?” 

Linda threw up her hands, “Why are you talking to him again? You can’t have forgotten what he called you last year.” 

Lily sighed, “There is a thing called forgiving. Perhaps you ought to try it sometimes.” She turned to grab her bag. 

Linda scoffed. “Seriously? What the hell, Lily? A week ago, you wouldn’t look at him. Now you are suddenly his best friend again.” 

“You are exaggerating. I didn’t-”  
“Am I?” She interjected and narrowed her eyes. She stepped closer to Lily, almost on her toes. “Did he do something to you? Are you under some kind of a spell?” 

“No. I’m fine, Linda. We talked and he’s changed.” 

She glanced around before leaning closer to Lily’s face. “Is that where you’ve been? With him?”

“Been where?” 

“When you were out those nights all night.” 

Lily shrugged, “Why must you keep bringing it up? I don’t get why everyone cares so much.” 

Linda’s eyes became the size of galleons and she moved her mouth to Lily’s ear. “Did you sleep with him? Is that why?” 

Severus had not heard Linda but saw Lily’s cheeks turn almost crimson.

“No!” She answered Linda as she backed away a little. “Why would you even think such a thing?” Lily put her hand up in Linda’s face that was so close she almost hit her. “I had things to do those nights and it was not _that_ with anyone.” Lily rolled her eyes with a heavy huff before storming out of the room. He decided to quickly follow her before anyone tried to talk to him too.

**Saturday, 4 December**

Lily tried to do some of her homework for the weekend, but the piercing eyes of her roommates burned through her. “What?” She huffed. “Just say it and stop staring at me like I grew two noses.”

“Why?” Mary asked. 

“Why what?” Lily grumbled. 

“Why did you choose to be his partner yesterday?” 

“Why not?” She shrugged and mindlessly flipped the page of her Latin text. 

“Since when? He wants to be a Death Eater. You said so.” Mary puffed herself up slightly. 

Lily scoffed and half rolled her eyes. “No, he-” She glared at them. “Why am I even arguing about this with you guys? I told you this morning, Linda. We had a long discussion recently and he’s changed. Tell me I’m stupid, I’m crazy, I don’t know-whatever you wish, but no, I did not sleep with him.”

Mary and Mary-Christine raised their eyebrows and glanced between each other and her. 

Niamh blinked hard and shook her head. “What? No one said you did.” 

“Linda did. Just because that’s what she did with Petry doesn’t mean that’s what I did. Not to mention that unlike her and Roland, Severus and I are only friends.” 

Linda blushed, “What? I didn’t-how-why would you think that?” 

“Oh, come off it, Linda.” Marie-Christine rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows what you and Roland were doing.” 

Linda scoffed. “Maybe if everyone wasn’t so nosy-”

“Linda, you are not discrete in anything you do.” Niamh answered. 

Linda put her hands on her hips, “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You are a terrible liar and can’t keep anything you do secret.” Mary answered for Niamh. 

She tossed her hands up. “Why are you turning this on me? We weren’t even talking about me!” 

Lily pursed her lips, trying to stifle a grin. “You know, Linda. You should try muffliato next time you are in the shower.” 

“What?” 

“Or even just quieso works.” 

Niamh, Mary and Marie-Christine began to chortle. 

“What are you talking about and why are you laughing?” 

“Oh, come on, Linda. We all know you use the vibratio spell in the shower.” Niamh giggled. 

Linda’s pale cheeks turned bright red. “I do not!” 

“Yes, you do. Oh, Roland, mmm, touch me there, yes, yes-” Mary mocked. 

Linda stomped her foot, her face still crimson, “Oh, yeah, and what about you, Miss Mary Goody-Two-Shoes? Still pretending like you are a virgin, are you?” 

Mary stopped laughing. “I am so.” 

“Please. Stop the virtuous act. Marcus would beg to differ. So would Sirius and I believe Todd and Court as well. Set to lure James into your web next?” 

“You don’t know what you are talking about, Linda!” 

“Don’t I?” 

“Okay, stop. No one cares that you masturbate, Linda and no one cares if you are still a virgin, Mary.” Marie-Christine interjected. “Stop accusing everyone of things. If Mary slept with ten boys, who cares. If Linda slept with Roland in the bathroom, whatever. If Lily slept with Severus and made up with him, it’s her business. Let’s forget this.” 

Lily frowned. “I did not-” She tried to say, but Mary and Linda’s protests drowned her out.

“I would imagine if Lily had slept with Severus, he would be less depressed.” Niamh responded. 

Lily choked, “What?” 

“Well, he’s a miserable soul, isn’t he? He never smiles. Pretty sure he'd be much happier if you'd been sleeping with him.” Niamh winked.

“Either that or she was just a bad lay.” Linda teased. 

“How would you know what constitutes a bad lay, Linda? Experience with that?” Mary sneered. 

“Not as much as you.” Linda jeered. 

Lily gathered her books. “I can’t get any studying done with you all. I’m going to the common room.” She started to leave the dorm, “And I did _not_ sleep with anyone.” Lily left them to continue their pointless arguing.

**Sunday, 5 December**

“Snivellus!”

Severus shifted his eyes to Potter and Black walking towards him. Shit, he thought. He shifted his bag slightly on his shoulder and kept the same pace away from them. He pulled his wand into his hand and heaved a sigh. 

“Whatcha doing talking to Evans again, huh?” Potter asked. 

Severus scoffed and keep walking. He had zero interest in dealing to either of them today. 

“Fuck off, Potter.” 

“What’d you do to her? Did you curse her? If you-”

“I did no such thing!” He snapped, turning slightly the Marauders’s direction. “She’s her own person. She can speak to whom she pleases.” 

James Potter scoffed and ruffled his hair slightly. “Doesn’t explain why she’d talk to you after you called her a-a you-know-what.” 

“Months ago. We moved on.” Severus sucked in his cheeks, “Done stalking me now?” He started his stroll back down the corridor. 

“Awful sudden change, don’t you think, Padfoot?” 

“It is suspicious. Think we ought to show him his place again? Expelliarmus!” Black shouted with a chuckle. 

Expecting the attack, he deflected it and continued to walk down the hall with hardly a glance their direction. It was silent a moment. 

“Stupify!” Potter shouted next. 

Again, Severus deflected it and kept walking. He sunk his shoulders and gritted his teeth mumbling a slew of curse words to himself. “I said fuck off!” 

They did not respond for a moment and Severus could not be bothered to see their faces. 

“Locomotor Bendis!” Black called out. 

He deflected again. 

“Someone’s in a mood. Perhaps a bath will make Snivy feel better? What’d you think, Wormtail?” 

Wormtail giggled with delight at that and Potter puffed his chest. “Cludtos Sudthano!” Potter called and a white silky puff emitted from his wand and hurled towards Severus. 

He sighed as he deflected it and both Potter and Black lowered their wands. 

“What? Don’t want to play today, Snivellus?” Black sneered slightly, but there was an edge to his words. “Still sick, Snivs?” 

“Well, if he’s not sick now, maybe he will be. Conjunctivius!” Potter shouted, but Severus just flicked the hex off before it reached him. 

“Go fuck each other with a fork!” Severus snapped as he turned the corner. After a few moments he realized he was alone. He let out a deep breath he did not realize he was holding and continued down towards the Slytherin dorms. 

The following day they had tried to goad him into a duel, but Severus was not in any mood to be a Marauder toy. The gratification of their frustration when he did not rise to the bait was marred by the truth that he just did not care enough to bother. Let Potter and Black try all they wanted. He was done. After a couple days of deflecting all the hexes and curses they threw, they stopped trying to ambush him. While this revelation against the Marauders bullshit should have made him happy, it didn’t. It also did not stop Potter from glaring daggers at him in class and in the hallways, especially when Lily was with him. Even with the Marauders ignoring him during exam week, he still had his former friends to contend with and they were not above the occasional curse in the corridors. He could not wait for everyone to leave for the coming holidays. His only hope was the end of term would mean the end of all the stress.

**Saturday, 18 December**

“I can stay, Severus.” Lily bit her lip.

“No, you should go home. I’ll be fine. It’s just two weeks.” 

“I don’t know-I don’t want to leave you alone.” 

He sighed. “Really, Lily. I won’t take my life.”

“You promise me?” 

He scratched his hand that did not itch for a moment. “I promise.” He mumbled. 

Lily’s stone expression to his response made him twitch. 

“I should stay.” 

“No. Really. Your family misses you. Well, except Petunia. I know your mum and dad must.” 

“Yeah, but if they knew I stayed for a friend in need, they’d understand.” 

He ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted her to stay, but also did not want her to stay here only on his behalf. She had parents who loved her and wanted to see her. He did not. Since his mother died, there was not a single reason to return to his old home. “Really, Lily. I think you should go to your parents. I’ll still be here when you get back. Besides, my old roommates are all leaving. I can finally sleep in my old bed in peace. No study rooms or room of requirement. It’ll be good for me. You visiting your family is good for you.”

She bit her lip again with a frown. After a moment, she sighed. “You still have that rock I gave you?” 

“Of course.” 

“Just let me know if you want to talk. We can use the fireplace for a chat anytime.” She squeezed his hand and then reached into her pocket. “Here.” She handed him a small box. “It’s nothing big, but thought you should have something to open on Christmas.” 

He reluctantly took the box. “I don’t need anything. I didn’t get you anything.” 

“Don’t worry about that. I just wanted you to have something.” She gave him a small smile that he struggled to return. 

Later that day he watched her leave. She gave him a strong hug and whispered that she’d miss him. He managed a half smile back. “Take care of yourself, Sev. Please eat and take a shower and just, stay on the schedule. The routine is good.” 

He half-heartedly rolled his eyes, “You aren’t my mum, Lily.” 

She chuckled. “Just take care of you.” 

“See you, Lily. Have a great holiday.” 

Once nearly everyone was gone, he wandered the nearly empty school until dinner. Only a handful of students were around. None of the Slytherins his age had stayed behind. Only two Slytherins in the school had remained, one third year and one fifth year. There were 5 Hufflepuffs, 4 Ravenclaws and 2 Gryffindors. None of the Marauders had stayed to his delight. The only other student in his year was a Hufflepuff named Claudia. He saw her laughing with two other girls in Hufflepuff, both of whom he was certain were fifth years. 

He managed some of the boring dinner of roast duck, carrots, potatoes and bread, mostly because Lily had insisted that he eat something. After dinner, he took the long way around the winding halls down to the Slytherin common room. The third-year girl and fifth year boy were playing wizard’s chess. They glanced up at him when he entered the room and returned to their game. He ignored them and went down into his old dorm. He looked out the window and saw the outline of the giant squid swimming around carelessly. Could he be jealous of the squid’s ability to feel so carefree? He flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. The water from the lake lapped against the window over and over. It calmed his mind to hear it and drifted him into a deep sleep that alluded him for months. 

He awoke and saw some tiny fish swim by the window. He tilted his head to glance at the clock and jumped to attention. It was 9AM. Had he really slept for 12 straight hours? He rubbed his still tired eyes and got off the still made, though now slightly wrinkled, bed. 

Severus got to his feet and grabbed a change of robes before going to the bathroom. Despite the time, he sauntered to the Great Hall. Once he entered, no one was eating anymore and those that remained in the Hall were hanging out with friends. He snatched a bagel and ate it mindlessly before any professors who stayed behind tried to talk to him. 

The rest of the day he stayed in the back of the common room alone. The other two Slytherins were off somewhere. He didn’t know nor did he care where. He was just glad to have the place to himself. As he thought up some new spell ideas, his mind wandered to Lily and he wondered what she was doing right now. He figured she was probably doing something with her family. Surely, her parents were enjoying having their daughter home unlike his parents who never seemed thrilled to have their son home. He hoped Petunia was not making her time back miserable as she used to always do. Severus recalled more than once Lily arriving back in tears because of how Petunia had treated her. Though the last time she had told him about how terrible Petunia had been, she was not upset anymore, just irritated. 

He moved his attention back to his book and put thoughts of Lily to the side for now. Without her around and without any classes or things to do, it was going to be a long two weeks.

By Monday, the emptiness of the castle was slowly getting to him. The last couple of weeks with classes and exams and spending time with Lily had occupied his mind away from his despair. It had not gone away, lingering in the back always. 

Everyone else beamed in excitement about the presents that littered under the tree for the professors and those left behind. Each day that week, owls flooded in with gifts for some of the left-behinds. Severus noticed two of the Hufflepuffs and one of the Gryffindors did not receive any presents. However, they did from their friends. Something that he lacked. 

Christmas morning’s light was dull. The lake outside the window was murky and the fish he used to see were hidden in the depths of the water. He went to the Great Hall for breakfast so Professor Dumbledore could give them their gifts which consisted of sweets. After dinner, he opened Lily’s gift to reveal some valerian root with a note. 

_Thought you might like to use this in a potion. Happy Christmas, Sev._  
Love,  
Lily. 

He folded up the bit of parchment and stuck it into his pocket before heading into his dorm for the night.

**Friday 1 January 1977**

Severus held his wand in his hand. He had promised. He could not keep this promise. His head burned with the emptiness. Something. He had to feel something. The hollowness was overwhelming. It was not human to not feel something. With Lily gone, it seemed more empty than typical. There was no one to talk to, no one to do anything with, nothing to occupy his mind or his time. Making it through Christmas was painful enough. Hidden away no one had noticed his absence since. They wouldn’t even know if he had died.

Severus closed his eyes as he sat on the cold bathroom tile with only a soft light in the corner to allow him to see his wand. He took a drink from the stolen fire whiskey, taking it easier than before. “Happy fucking New Year,” he mumbled to himself. 

After he set the liquor down, he clutched a small bit of parchment he’d written on. He took a deep breath and pointed his wand at himself. “Sectumsempra!” 

He winced as his body became slashed up quickly. The pain from the curse made him pass out. He had to feel something, anything and he surely felt this. Maybe it was finally the end.


	10. Of Broken Promises and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the holiday is not going well.

**_Chapter Ten: Of Broken Promises and Hope_ **

To his despair, it was not end. Not knowing who or when or how, he awoke to a familiar ceiling. Fuck! Not only was he mostly okay now, but the pain was barely there. He was back to nothing lying on a hospital wing bed. He sat up to find Madam Pomfrey sitting across from his bed scratching on parchment. She turned to him, her mouth holding a frown. He pushed back the covers and started to get up. She snapped her fingers and pointed back at his bed, “Back in bed.”

“I feel fine.” 

“You won’t leave until I say so. You are to stay here and continue to be monitored until further notice.” 

“What for?” 

“Because I said so, now sit.” 

“Can I use the bathroom?” He asked sardonically. 

She pushed her chair back and approached him. “Yes, follow me.” 

He raised an eyebrow but went over to the bathroom and inside. She stopped him from shutting the door all the way. 

“This does not close.” 

“But that’s embarrassing.” 

“Nothing I haven’t seen or heard before. Return to bed when you are done.” 

Severus cringed and realized he did not have his wand. He hissed bitterly to himself as he used the toilet. 

As he returned to his bed, he glanced at Pomfrey, “Where’s my wand?” 

“After what you did, we have temporarily removed your wand from your possession. Attempting to harm yourself is a serious matter, Mr. Snape.” 

Snape swallowed and heat rose into his face, “That-it-it was an accident. I’m fine.” 

Pomfrey said nothing and continued to scratch on some parchment. 

“I’m not harming myself. Really.” 

“Lying becomes you. No more arguing. Now stay in that bed. Breakfast will be served soon, and I expect you to eat something. Your vitals are poor, and your nutrients are low.” 

Pomfrey watched him eat his oatmeal and fruit. His stomach was heavy after eating most of it having not consumed that much food in about two weeks. He willed himself to not throw it up and risk being yelled at by Pomfrey. A few hours later lunch was served. She watched him eat his ham sandwich, string beans and Kipling cake. His stomach was fuller than he could hardly recall. Though he knew the amount of food was not that much, his poor appetite lately made it sit in his stomach like a brick. She then practically shovelled a potion down his throat. He nearly gagged at the putrid flavour that reminded him of the smell of the rotting fish at the market. The chalky aftertaste did not help the growing nausea either. 

“What is that?” He asked as he coughed and stifled a desire to gag. If he threw up any of his lunch, he was afraid she’d make him eat again. 

“Nutrients potion. You weigh much too little for a lad of your age and stature. You’ve lost a lot of weight since your start of term health exam. You were about 11 stone then. Now you’ve lost a stone and a bit. You are low on most essential nutrients. Care to explain why you are not eating?” 

“I eat.” He spoke coolly. 

“Not enough, clearly. Are you intending to starve yourself?” 

“No.” He tried to glare at her, but she did not even glance his direction. “I just haven’t had much of an appetite lately.” 

She scratched on her parchment. “Are you trying to lose weight?” 

“No. It wasn’t my intention anyway.” 

“Are you purging any of your meals?” 

He scoffed. “What? No.” 

She scratched some more on her parchment. After a few moments, she stood up and walked to the back of the infirmary with her parchment. A nurse stood watch over him to his displeasure. A few moments later, a woman appeared and sat down where Pomfrey had been. She was tall, lean, and fair-skinned with blonde hair that was greying. She watched him intently for a moment and began to scratch on some blank parchment. The entire time she was there she would glance at him expressionless and then write some more. This happened repeatedly for about 20 minutes. _Fucking stop that_ He wanted to knock that quill of hers out of her hands. 

“Are you depressed?” 

He scoffed. She scratched some more. 

“Are you more tired than usual?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

More scratching. 

“Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed?” 

“I don’t know.” 

More scratching. 

“Are you more anxious than usual?” 

“No.” What’s with the questions? He pondered, but didn’t dare say. 

“Besides last night, have you had any thoughts of harming yourself before?” 

“I never said I wished to harm myself.” He spoke sharply. 

“I see.” She stood back up without another word to him and left him with the nurse. 

Another half hour passed, and McGonagall entered the infirmary. 

“Severus.” Her expression was grave, sullen. He did not like it. “We should talk about what happened.” 

“Nothing happened.” He spoke tersely.

She frowned. “You tried to injure yourself, Mr Snape. After all we know-”

“You know nothing.” He interjected swiftly. 

“You would do well to not interrupt me, Mr. Snape. Now, this concerns me. I’m afraid we must take some precautions as we fear you are going to harm yourself again.” 

Severus opened his mouth to speak, but she stopped him. 

“You will be staying here until term and we will be having a counsellor speak with you starting tomorrow. It is clear you need some help to work through whatever has been going on.” 

Severus grumbled to himself and folded his arms across his chest. “I’m fine. I won’t do anything.” 

“You just did.” 

He sat up a little straighter in the bed. “It was an accident.” 

“I suggest you save that excuse, Mr. Snape. We know you thought of it at some point before and perhaps you’ve even attempted it. I don’t know about the latter. Now that you have harmed yourself, you will be seeing a counsellor. It is mandatory or we will consider a stay at St. Mungo’s.” 

“I’m not insane, Professor.” 

“No one said you were, Mr. Snape. However, suicide attempts are serious matters.” 

He opened his mouth to speak and she put her hand up.

“A counsellor will be available and again, my door and all other professor’s doors are open to you. Anything you say will be kept in strict confidence on a need to know basis.” 

“I attempted nothing. I messed up my own spell, that’s all. I don’t need anyone’s help,” he mumbled gruffly. 

She raised her chin up, “A spell to cut you up severely?” 

“Yes,” he spoke through gritted teeth. “Just some cuts. It’s just a hex. I messed up I see.” 

McGonagall’s face softened, but he was unsure if she believed him or it was out of pity “I do hope you begin to feel better, Mr. Snape.” 

It was pity to his chagrin. He loathed anyone’s pity. He glared at her. “With all due respect, spare me your pity. I’m not changing my story.” 

“I’m not offering you my pity. I’m offering an ear. The offer still stands.” 

He watched her leave the room and grabbed the empty silver tray next to the bed and slammed it onto the ground. It broke into pieces. Pomfrey, who was back in the room, only moved her eyes his direction. 

“Breaking things won’t fix your problems.” 

“It makes me feel better.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, “I could fix it if I had my wand.” He mumbled.

She smirked, “It won’t allow your wand back either.” 

Severus removed his fingers from the top of his nose. “When can I have it back?” 

“When term begins.” 

“But everyone will be back tomorrow. You’ll leave me defenceless.” 

She did not look up from her parchment. He was not even sure if she’d heard him. 

“Well, what am I supposed to do all day?” 

She turned to a bookshelf and a book flew to his bed. He sighed as he read the title _The Best Insects for Potions_. How uninteresting, he thought, but opened the text anyway. 

Again, at dinner, Pomfrey watched him eat nearly all his peasant, roast potatoes, peas and puddings. His glares did nothing to stop her gaze the entire meal. Finally, with a few bites left, he set his fork down. She frowned. 

“If I eat more, I will puke.” 

“Are you intending to make yourself sick after eating?” 

He clicked his tongue bitterly and let out a light hiss, “No. I told you I’m not interested in starving myself.” 

“Good.” She moved the tray away. “After you digest some, you may take a shower.” 

“I don’t need one.” 

“You look so. When did you last have one?” 

Severus shrugged. “I dunno. A few days ago.” 

“A lad your age should be taking one at least every other day. Skipping basic hygiene will only make you feel worse. Before bed, you will smarten yourself up.” 

He did as told and managed a quick shower. As he got back into the bed, she handed him a potion. 

“What’s this,” he grumbled. “More nutrient potion?”

“No.” She spoke coolly. “But I’m sure you’ll find it rather useful.” She sat back down at her desk. 

He was unsure if he liked her tone.

**Sunday, 2 January**

The woman from yesterday arrived an hour after lunch. She pulled a chair beside the bed his bed and had the desk pulled to her. She dipped her quill in ink and slowly turned her gaze to meet his.

“Name.” 

He grumbled to himself. “You should know my name.” 

“Answer the question. No back-talk is permitted.” Her emotion never changed, and she remained stone-faced. 

He groaned, “Severus Snape.” 

“Date of birth.” 

“January 9, 1960.” 

She scratched his responses on the parchment. 

“Have you noticed any change in your ability for pleasure or interest within the last couple of weeks?” 

“Uh, no.” Truth, as he lost that some time before that. 

“Have your friends made any claims about you seeming down lately?” 

“Friends?” 

She didn’t respond to that and scratched on the parchment. He leaned forward to see what she was writing. No friends? 

“I have a friend.” He mumbled. 

She scratched on the parchment again. One friend. At that she rolled it up so could not see. 

“Has your appetite increased or decreased recently?” 

“No.” Truth again. His appetite had been poor all year. 

More scratching. 

“Your sleep. Sleeping too much or too little?” 

“Neither. Depends on the day.” 

More scratching. 

“Are you more tired than usual?” 

“About the same.” Also depended on the day. 

“Is your energy lower than usual?” 

“I don’t know.” How energetic was he supposed to be? 

More scratching. 

“Do you feel worthless or guilty?” 

He grumbled to himself “Sometimes guilty.” 

“Do you know why you feel guilty?” 

“Yes.” He hissed. 

She scratched on the parchment. 

“Are you having any issues with concentration or thinking clearly?” 

He nearly sighed with relief that she had not pressed on his guilt. “Not really.” 

“Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Doesn’t everyone sometimes?” 

Lots of scratching. 

“Have you tried to harm yourself?” 

He shrugged again. “I’m fine.” 

“Hmm,” she scratched a lot on the parchment. “Do you think you’ll harm yourself again?” 

“I don’t know. Probably not.” He paused. “But I never said I did in the first place.” 

Deep scratches across the parchment. 

“Do you think of harming anyone else?” 

“If you mean desire to actually murder them, then no.” 

“Hmm,” she said again and scratched on the parchment. “Do you wish to harm any of your classmates?” 

“Only when they harm me first.” 

More scratching.

“Is there anything you’d like to discuss with me while I’m here?” 

He glared at her with a stone-cold expression. “No.” 

She nodded and gathered her things. “That will be all today, Mr. Snape. I will return on Monday the 10th.”

**Later that Day**

Lily entered the castle with Niamh and Carolyn. As they headed up to the tower, McGonagall cleared her throat behind them. The three turned to her.

“Hello, Professor McGonagall. Did you have a nice holiday?” Carolyn asked. 

“I did, thank you Ms. Bisset.” She turned to Lily. “Lily, may I speak with you a moment?” 

Lily gulped and glanced down at the floor before she allowed herself to meet her teacher’s eyes. She nodded and started to follow McGonagall. Lily turned her head to see her friend’s eyes staring back curiously. 

McGonagall lead her into her office and closed the door. “Lily, we really did not talk much before. You’ve avoided the discussion, but I think you know more than you are saying.”

Lily raised her eyebrows, her forehead creased. “I’m sorry, Professor, I don’t understand.”

“About Mr. Snape, dear.” 

Lily’s breath caught, “What about him? Is he okay?”

“Sit down.” 

Lily’s heart skipped a beat and her mouth went dry. “What happened? Tell me he’s fine.” 

McGonagall nodded. “He’s fine.” 

Lily let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. You scared me.”

“Lily, did you think Mr. Snape would harm himself?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Severus. Did you think he would hurt himself?” 

Lily gulped so hard her throat burned. “Why-why would you ask that?” 

McGonagall handed her a piece of parchment. “This appears to be for you.”

She raised her brow and slowly opened it. It was her note to him with her Christmas gift. Except there was something written underneath in his handwriting. 

_Lily,  
I’m sorry I broke my promise.  
Love,  
Sev _

Lily nearly gasped. “Where is he? You-you said he was okay.” Her breath caught in her throat as it became laboured. “I have to find him!” She started for the door. 

“Lily, stop, please. He’s fine.”

“How do you know that?” Her voice was desperate, and a lump formed in her throat. She bit her lower lip before it quivered. 

“Please, sit down. I know he’s fine. He’s with Madam Pomfrey.” 

Lily let out a little gasp. “What? Is he hurt? I need to see him.” 

“Lily, please. I promise he’s fine. I would like to have a talk with you before you seek him out.” 

She blinked back the dampness in her eyes. 

“Lily? It’s okay. He’s fine for now. You seem to know what he meant by that note. Would you like to tell me what promise he broke to you?” 

Lily still did not take a seat. “No.” she spoke calmly as she attempted to clear her throat. “I need to see him. May I see him?” 

Why? Why would you break that promise? You swore on your magic! You swore to me! She thought to herself and a flash of anger ran through her body. She wanted to slam her fist into the wall but sucked in her fleeting rage. Sadness raced inside of her at the same time. She knew she never should have left him alone. Not when he was still teetering as close to the edge as he was and not when he would be left all to himself for so long to ponder such thoughts. 

“Perhaps later. He ought to be leaving the infirmary soon.” 

“What happened to him? Why’s he in the infirmary? Is he sick? Hurt? Telling me he’s fine doesn’t tell me what happened!” She stopped herself short of yelling. 

“That’s why I wish to speak with you. You told Professor Slughorn and me before that a friend of yours, which we concluded was Mr. Snape, was wanting to harm himself. It’s been a couple weeks since that conversation. The other day a fellow student found Mr. Snape in the bathroom rather cut up by some sort of spell. It appears he did it to himself. He was found with that bit of parchment in his hand. He’s claiming it was an accident.” 

Lily could tell by her tone that she did not believe it was an accident. She didn’t either. 

“And he is fine now. Madam Pomfrey was able to fix the damage.” 

“Damage? How had was he hurt?” 

McGonagall eased her shoulders. “Not enough to worry. It’s the reasons that concern me.” 

Me too, Lily thought, but did not say it. “When did you say he will be leaving the infirmary?” 

“He was likely just released or will be any moment.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” She narrowed her eyes at McGonagall. 

“I know you and Mr. Snape have been talking. You, of all people, would know if something is going on with him.” 

Lily frowned. “I’m unwilling to discuss our conversations.” 

“I’m not asking you to provide such. I’m asking you to be his friend and being willing to let us know if there is any concern.” 

Lily folded her arms across her chest. “Shouldn’t that be his choice to tell?” 

“Not if he’s threatening to harm himself or anyone else.” 

Lily sighed. “I’ve not heard him threaten to harm someone else. I mean, maybe when he’s been bullied. But not recently.” 

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. “Bullied?” 

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh please. You know what I’m talking about. You all do.” A fire suddenly rose in the pit of her stomach. “Not like anyone ever stopped them.” She pivoted 180 degrees towards the door. “May I go?” She asked as she tossed the door open like a dirty rag and started to exit the room. 

“Lily, I’m acutely aware of the hexing between Gryffindor and Slytherin. The two groups have been rivals for centuries…” 

Lily gripped her right hand tight against the door and cocked her head McGonagall’s direction. “The hexing?” She huffed. “But of course,” she derided, “Boys will be boys, no?” At that, she exited the room and glanced down the hall to the portrait of the tower. A group of three fourth-year boys were entering it. She sighed to herself and started to amble down the stairs away from the tower. Once she was out of sight of the tower, she hurried the rest of the way down to the infirmary hoping to catch him before he left. 

Upon seeing the empty infirmary, her heart sunk into her stomach. With everyone back from the holidays, it would be a waste of time to bother going down to the Slytherin dorms. She started towards the library when saw him strolling down the corridor. 

“Severus!” 

He paused at the sound of her voice and jerked his head her direction. Before he could do or say anything, she had caught up to him and he nearly lost his balance at her embrace. 

“Are you okay?” 

She was eyeing from his head to his feet and he raised his forehead. “Yeah, fine.” 

“Are you sure? I shouldn’t have left you alone.” 

Tears had welled up in her eyes. He gulped. “It was fine. I’m sure you had a great time with your family.” 

“I’m sorry.” A tear rolled down her cheek. 

He blinked. “Sorry? For what? You didn’t do anything.” 

“I knew it was a bad idea to go. You told me you’d be okay.” She sniffed and her lips trembled. “You broke your promise.” She spoke in an almost whisper. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt yourself.” 

He gulped again. “What? How-”

“I saw the note.” She mumbled. 

“But how-”

“McGonagall.” She wiped her tears with the back of her hand as some students entered the corridor and meandered past them. 

The two fifth year Gryffindor boys paused as they recognized Lily. “Hey! What’s he doing to you?” 

Lily folded her arms across her chest. “Nothing. We’re fine and having a private conversation.” 

“If he’s hurting you--”

“She said it’s a private conversation.” Severus snarled at them. 

“No one asked you, Snivy!” A boy just an inch shorter than Severus with sandy blonde hair wisped around his ears with a thick comb over spoke. 

Lily grumbled to herself. “Sod off, Tate! He’s not hurting me. Now leave us be!” She turned her attention back to Severus. “Let’s go somewhere else.” She uncrossed her arms and motioned her hand for Severus to follow her. He did with one sneer back at the two boys as they made their way to the library. 

Once they were in the back corner of the nearly empty library alone, she put up a muffliato. “Tell me what happened. Please?” She choked on the last word. 

He sighed, “I just was tired. I didn’t think I’d die. I-I don’t even think that was the point. I just-I need to,” He avoided her eyes. “I had to feel something.” 

Lily took his hand. “What do you mean?” 

“Pain was something to feel. I just wanted to feel something. Anything.” 

“You tried to hurt yourself to feel something?” She raised an eyebrow. 

He nodded once. “I suppose so. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t kill myself.” 

“You could have though.” 

He shrugged. “Not likely. It is a disappointment though.” 

She raised her forehead, “What is?” 

“Waking up.” He admitted. 

She gulped. “Why? Because you’re still alive?” 

He did not answer and instead glanced out the window at the numerous stars out on the unusually clear night.

Lily choked back the lump in her throat. “Surely there is something to make you happy.” 

“You.” He said out loud without thinking and blushed. “I mean, as a friend.” He cleared his throat. “Having you as a friend. That-that makes me happy.” 

She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Same. I just wish you didn’t hate living so much. It can be good you know. Surely there are things you’ve yet to experience that you still want to?” 

He paused a moment and then just shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. All of it seems unlikely. Don’t see much of it happening.” 

“Keep your promise this time to not harm yourself. Maybe you will get the chance to experience the best of life.” She smiled at him and he could not resist a tiny grin back.


	11. Patronus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Severus's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains sexual content. You may skip the last couple of paragraphs if you do not wish to read.

** Chapter Eleven: Patronus **

_Sunday 9 January_

As Severus made his way down the corridor outside of the Great Hall, a hand on his shoulder made him jump. He turned to see Lily smiling at him.

“Nice to see you actually eating this morning.” 

“Well, kinda have to if I am going to keep living.” 

Lily initial smile fell. “What are your plans for today?” 

He sighed. “Guess just get some work done. Maybe start on that stupid sciences project.” 

“I think it seems fun.” 

He gave a half-hearted smile. “Of course you would think projects are fun.” 

She blinked and grinned. “They can be.” 

He shrugged. “If you say so.” 

She waved her hand down. “Forget school today. It’s your 17th birthday. That makes you officially an adult today.” 

“How thrilling.” He spoke dryly. 

“Not excited to be of age finally?” She quipped. 

He shrugged again. “Just another day to me.” 

“Nothing you want to do today?” 

He glanced over at a portrait that was staring at them and sighed. “I just want to sleep.” 

“Still not going to your dorm?” 

They moved to the side of the wall to let some students pass. “Not unless I have to.” 

“Just staying in a study room?” 

“Most of the time.” 

Lily sighed. “Well then, okay.” She drummed her fingers on her chin for a moment. “I think I have an idea of something to do today.” 

He raised his forehead. “Do you now?” 

She giggled. “I need to go up and get my cloak. You want to wait here or follow me up?” 

He groaned. “Are we really going outside?” 

“Not for long. It will be good.” 

“Great.” He dryly answered. 

“Trust me. It will be nice. At least the sun is out today even if it is a bit cold.” 

“Cold is cold, sun or not.” 

“I said not for long.” She chuckled. “You trust me?” She simpered. 

“Sometimes I wonder why I do.” He grinned. 

Lily half chuckled. “Doubt that.” She sighed. “So are you waiting here or following me up to the tower?” 

He shook his head. “I’d prefer to avoid your housemates. Going to the bathroom instead.” 

She nodded. “Okay. Then get your cloak and meet you at the door that will take us to the forest in 10 minutes?” 

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “We’re going into the forest? Are you mad?” 

She chortled. “Trust me. It will be fun.” 

“Your ideas of fun sometimes concern me.” 

“What? Don’t want see what I have planned?” Her grin was almost coy. 

He sighed. “I guess I’ll see what you have up your sleeve.” 

“See you in about ten minutes then.” She hurried down the corridor ahead of him. 

Severus watched her leave, her robes swaying behind her and sighed to himself. Always up to something. At least he probably would not be disappointed. 

Lily returned to the busy common room upon retrieving her winter gear. As she wrapped her scarf around her neck Linda called her name. She turned to see her and Mary playing a wizard’s card game. 

“Are you seriously going outside? It’s below 7 out there.”

She shrugged her shoulder. “Want some fresh air.” She continued to the entrance as she put her hat on. 

“Meeting with someone?” Linda pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes accusingly. 

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t get why what I do or who I may be with is such a concern to you.” 

“We all see you hanging around that nasty Slytherin snake.” Tate spoke. 

“Oh, piss off why don’t you? No one even asked you!” Lily snapped and pivoted back towards the door. 

As she exited the portrait and turned for the stairs, she nearly collided with the head girl. 

“Headed out, are we?” The tone was not much of a question. 

“Maybe.” Lily frowned and moved to the side for her to pass. She did not move. 

“A little cold for that, don’t you think?” Her expression was dour and her tone accusing. 

“Maybe I want fresh air. Not sure why it matters.” 

“It may if you plan to do things you shouldn’t.” 

Lily stopped as she started down the stairs and turned to her. “Weird. Six years here and can’t recall it ever being against the rules to go outside.” She began to continue down the steps. 

“If you are out with the Slytherin-”

“Wait.” Lily interjected. “Are you saying I can’t hang out with people in other houses? Now I know that’s not against any sort of rule.” She glowered at Rose. 

“No. I’m not saying that. I’m saying you can’t be out all hours with him.” 

Lily shrugged. “No idea what you are talking about.” 

“That’s not what your dormmates say.” 

“Rumours are just that. Know what they say about assuming, don’t you?” Lily spoke sardonically before she continued on down the steps. 

Severus was waiting at the door with only his cloak. She sighed and handed him an extra hat and gloves. He eyed them and then her before taking them. 

“It’s -7 outside. Need more than that cloak.” 

“You said get my cloak.” 

“Well, yeah. I didn’t mean only your cloak.” She tittered.

“Then why are we going out again.” 

She simpered. “Because I want somewhere private to show you something.” 

“Can’t be done indoors?” 

“Outside is better. Besides fresh air is good. Been inside all week except to go to Herbology.” She tossed a scarf over his neck. “You do this and we will get a hot tea and go chill in the study room afterwards.” 

He tried to bit back a smile at the thought. “I say we skip outside and do that instead.”

“You won’t regret it. I promise.” 

He sighed. “Okay. Trusting you on this.” 

“Come on then.” She opened the door. 

Severus followed her outside and the frigid air immediately stung his face. He wrapped the scarf tighter around his neck and face and caught a whiff of Lily’s perfume. The ground crunched under his feet as they walked towards the forest. Bits of the hard-packed leftover snow entered through the hole in the sole of his shoe and dampened his sock. He grimaced as the cold hit his toes. No one else was outside. They were the only crazy ones. 

“Excited for classes tomorrow?” She asked to break the silence as the crossed the grounds.

“That a trick question?” 

“We have charms together tomorrow.” 

He smiled to himself. 

“Surprised you didn’t take Advanced Charms.” 

He shrugged as they entered the forest. “It was the same time as Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts.” He also knew she would take it and after last year, he did not want to share it with her and Potter and Black. He was not telling her that though. 

“I see. Still, you would have been good at it.” 

He grinned. “It’s your best subject.” 

“I like it. Professor Flitwick is a great teacher.” 

“Yeah, he is. One of the few decent ones.” 

They reached a clearing and Lily stopped. 

“You want to show me a tiny frozen pond?” 

“No.” She chortled. “Though they are showing us some cool things in regular Charms class, in Advanced Charms, we have been learning the patronus charm? Heard of it?” 

“Yeah, I have. Heard that is.”

“Ever done it?” 

“No. Not sure point. Not like we will see dementors or anything.” 

She took out her wand. “Dementors suck the life out of you.” 

“Only through the kiss.” 

She shook her head. “No, I don’t mean the kiss. I mean they suck out all the happiness.” 

“Yeah. So?” 

“Producing a patronus is the only way to stop them.” 

“Yeah, I know that.” 

“But do you know why?” Her eyes implored his. 

“There’s a charm or spell to stop most things.” He moved his eyes from her gaze. 

“Because it’s happy.” She pointed her wand across the lake. “You can produce a patronus charm through a happy memory. It’s not easy. It works by using your happy memory to repel the darkness that is a dementor.” 

He shrugged. “Okay. So what’s the point of telling me this?” 

“Want to try it?” 

“What? A patronus charm?” 

“Yes.” 

“You brought me out here to try out a charm?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“I brought out here to try it with just us. Easier to focus that way.” 

“Easier to be out here in the cold instead of by a warm fire?” He pushed his hands into his pockets as the wind picked up and stung his face. 

“It’s easier to concentrate when no one is around.” She sighed. “I haven’t managed a full corporeal one yet. Came close once though.” She pushed the thought of her wispy patronus that recalled a misshapen deer out of her head. “Still working on it.” 

“I’m sure you can do it.” 

“They aren’t teaching in Advanced DADA?” She raised her forehead. 

“Nah. Honestly, the current professor is rather terrible. Hoped for better.” 

“Yeah, I'd agree with that. He's rather awful. Maybe next year then. Seem to get a new one every year.” She chuckled. 

“Yeah, though don’t know why they can’t keep any of them.” 

“Perhaps it is cursed?” She grinned slyly. 

“Funny.” 

“Never know.”

"What is it?"

She blinked. "What is what?"

"Your patronus that you did once? What creature was it? They say when you do a full one it's usually an animal."

"Oh, um, it reminded me of a deer. But it wasn't complete so can't be sure. Perhaps it was an elk."

She shut her eyes and tried to think of a happy memory. “Expecto Patronum!” She called out and a silvery wisp emerged from her wand and stood in a thick, heavy mist. She sighed and cleared her throat. “That was a fail.” 

“I hear it’s a difficult one to produce.” 

“Well, I will get it.” 

“You always were determined to get what you want.” He smirked. 

She glared at him and put her hands on her hips. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing.” He half-shrugged. 

She scoffed. “You are such a bad liar.”

He puffed up his chest a little. "I can lie with the best of them."

"Oh, you can fool our classmates and even our professors. It's me you cannot fool. I know you too well."

"Oh, do you now?" He sneered. 

She closed her eyes and tried to think of a different memory. Her prior memory that managed the near corporeal no longer worked. Something where she was really, really happy. There was just one that came to her mind. One from a few years ago. She inadvertently blushed, though she did not know why. She concentrated hard on the feelings of that memory. “Expecto Patronum!” She called out. A silvery wisp emerged again from the wand and a semi-formed creature whisked across the pond. She squinted as she tried to figure out what it was. A deer? No. It was definitely not a deer though she could have sworn she conjured a half-formed deer back in November. 

Severus blinked a few times as he watched the silvery mist become a creature. “Thought you said it was a deer or an elk?” He gibed. 

She blinked and the creature became a mist once again. “Huh. Could have sworn it was before. Must have been wrong.” She smiled slyly. “This one was better than that one anyway. Guess only looked like a deer.” 

“I’d say it’s more like a mare.” He grinned. “But you did it.” 

“Take out your wand.” She half commanded as she lowered hers. 

He groaned as he removed his hand from his pocket and pulled his wand out. “Really going to make me do this?” 

“I’m not making you do anything. But you should try. See if you can.” 

“Expecto Patronum?” He mumbled. 

“Yes, but first you must think of a happy memory.” 

He scoffed. “I don’t have any.” 

“Not even one? Think hard.” She moved closer to him. “Close your eyes and think about any happy memory.” 

“I don’t think I can.” 

“You didn’t even try. Close your eyes.” 

He sighed and shut his eyes. 

“Think hard. Any time you were happy.”

He tried to think and after a good minute, he opened his eyes. “I really can’t think of much.” 

“Not even one?” 

He shrugged. “Maybe kind of one. Not sure it’s really that happy. Just a little.” 

She smiled. “Try it and see. Concentrate on the memory.” 

He shut his eyes once again and thought about a time he was somewhat happy. “Expecto Patronum!” A silver wisp spewed out from his wand. A mist hung. “Told you didn’t have much happy memories.” 

Lily gripped his arm and glanced up at him. She took his hand over his. “Only a happy memory can repel the bad ones. Try again? It’s hard. Most people can’t do it. But you are a powerful wizard, Severus Snape. I believe you can.” 

His eyes brightened a bit. “Guess just need to try harder?” 

Her eyes lit up. “Yes. I’ve been working on it for a couple months and it’s still not perfect so don’t fret. You’ll get there.” Lily pushed his hair from his face. He nearly jumped at the unexpected gesture. She moved her hand to his again. “Just point it forward steady and concentrate.” 

Severus cleared his throat and tried to not blush under her touch. She let go of his hand and he tried again. The silver wisp returned, but only a mist emerged. The mist was heavier than the last. 

“Just not strong enough of a memory I guess.” 

“Don’t give up.” She placed her hand on his shoulder. “If you don’t have feel you have a happy enough memory, we’re just going to have to change that.” 

Was that a coquettish smile on her lips or was he seeing things? “How?” 

“We make new ones of course.” 

“I’d like that.” He put his wand down. 

“Honestly, you did better than most. Some people can’t even manage a mist that strong the first time.” She sighed with a grin still on her face and reached into her pocket. She gripped his hand and put a black stone in it. 

He raised an eyebrow. “What’s this?” 

“An obsidian.” 

“Why are you giving it to me?” He glanced into her eyes and gulped as he forced himself to avert them away. 

“It matches your eyes.” She smirked. 

“You are giving me a rock because it matches my eyes?” 

“Maybe.” She chuckled. “Just take it with you next time you shower.”

He blinked rapidly as he raised his forehead. “What?” He could feel the heat rising up his neck.

“It’s cold out here. Want to go inside? Know the study rooms must have their fires blazing today.” She turned and started to leave the clearing. 

He did not see her start to leave as he ran his thumb over the rock curiously. 

“Aren’t you coming? I thought you hated the cold.” 

He shook his head and glanced to the empty area next to him. He turned to see her waiting by the trees. “Uh, yeah. Of course.” He pivoted on his heel and caught up to her. They carefully exited the forest in hopes they had not been seen. Those hopes were realized thanks to everyone else avoiding the frigid temperatures. 

Once inside, Severus imbibed the warmth as he removed the gloves and hat. He took off the scarf and handed them to her. She put them in her bag and they headed up to a spare study room. It was empty as he plopped down on the pallid couch. Lily set her bag down and sighed as she sat beside him. 

“What’s your plans for the rest of the day?” 

He shrugged. “Do some more homework I suppose.” 

“Are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?” 

“Hadn’t thought about it, why?” 

“You should.” She smiled at him. “Wanna come with me? Like old times?” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Really?” 

“Why not? We can window shop and have some lunch and butterbeers. Good to get away from this old castle.” She put her hand on his shoulder. He glanced down at it. 

“Yeah. You’re right. Wouldn’t hurt to get away.” 

She got up from the couch and went over to the radio and began to scan through it. “That was Hurt by The Manhattans. Stay tuned because we have Abba, Queen, Donna Summer and Wild Cherry coming up.” 

“The radio?” Severus asked with a huff. 

“I like some music while I relax and study. You know that.” She smiled at him coyly.

“You and the muggle music.” 

“Well, when wizards come up with some great non-chanting music, I will gladly listen.” She smirked as she sat back down beside of him. “You look so exhausted.” 

“I do?” 

She nodded. “I hate you aren’t sleeping in a comfortable bed.” 

He shook his head. “I don’t really trust them.” 

“Did they ever do anything?” She bit her lip as she glared into his eyes. 

“Not really. Just little things here and there. I just would rather avoid them.” 

She paused a moment and nodded. “You wait here. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” 

He raised his forehead. “Okay.” 

She returned several minutes later and pulled a pillow and a blanket out of her bag. “Don’t worry, they are clean.” She handed them to him. 

“Why are you giving me these?” 

“If you insist on not being in your bed, at least have something comfortable.” She took a book from her bag and sat on the floor near the fire. “You said you wanted to sleep. Why don’t you?” 

“Seriously?” 

“I’m just going to do some homework due this week. It’s quiet right now. May as well relax. Is your birthday after all.” She grinned. “If you are still asleep, I’ll wake you for tea.” 

He laid down on the couch and put his head on the pillow. “That actually sounds nice. Maybe I will.” He closed his eyes to the sound of Lily scratching her quill across parchment. The radio sang in the background as he relaxed. _I am sailing stormy waters…to be near you…to be free._ It was not such a bad birthday after all.

Lily heard some light snoring and glanced up to see him lying on his back sound asleep. She got up and tossed the blanket over him before returning to her schoolwork.

  
_**Later that Evening**_

Severus glanced around the bathroom. He heard some scuffling feet over in a toilet stall and sighed to himself as he entered a shower stall. He heard a toilet flush as he removed his socks and shoes. He took the stone from his pocket and set it on the bench. Once he heard footsteps leaving the bathroom, he removed his clothes and turned on the shower.

The warm water cascaded over him and he picked up the rock. As he wondered why she wanted him to take it into the shower, it started to spark and sizzle. He nearly jumped as a wisp of thick leathery stream burst out. A puff of smoke emerged and disappeared leaving a butterfly in his hand with brightly coloured stripes among the pastel wings. It flew up and landed on his head. A liquid emerged from it and just as he wondered what it was doing to his head, it flew up and burst into colourful bubbles under the shower head. He touched the liquid and rubbed it against his fingers. It was like soap, but as soft as a velvet. The bubbles pressed against his skin. He shivered at the smooth texture as each bubble burst around his bare skin and over his hair covering him. Once the last bubble popped and the water washed them away, he touched his hair. It was unusually soft as was his skin. He could not recall any soap or shampoo offering such a soft after effect or having such a calming effect. Whatever Lily had done, he liked it.

He sighed and reached down at the thought of her and touched his penis that had become hard. It was smooth from the bubbles. He began to stroke the top under the head. He grabbed his wand and added some lubricant to his hand. It been awhile since he had any desire to even do this. Today was different. He muffled the stall and put his wand away as he gripped himself. He closed his eyes and the only thing that came to his mind was Lily. As much as he did not want to think of her unclothed, he did. Everything about her entered his mind. He stroked harder and harder. The tension increased as his pelvis throbbed. She teased him so much without even knowing it. It was not her fault she was so damn pretty and so damn wonderful and so damn smart. 

The pressure became more and more intense. A sudden vision of her with him in the shower with her arms around him, her bare breasts against his chest. As if she ever would. If only she could ever be interested in wanting that with him. He pushed the thought that no one ever could from his mind refusing to cave into negative thoughts mid-wank. He returned to Lily anyway and thrusted hard against his tugging hand and gasped with relief as he came heavily onto the shower floor. It felt so good, yet he felt so wrong to do it at the same time. She was not interested in him and he could only imagine the sheer disgust she would have if she knew he got off to her in the shower just now. He huffed to himself as he pushed those thoughts away. He could deal with the disgust for himself tonight. Right now, he wished to savour the surprisingly nice birthday before he had to deal with the hum drum of school and a useless therapy session tomorrow.


End file.
